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Cram Session with Mistress Maeve 

Seven Days' guide to love and lust

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Q: Whenever I come back to my dorm room with a lady friend, my roommate is always there. Even worse, he doesn’t get the hint to get out so I can get off. What should I do?

— Bunks-a-rockin’ in Bankus Hall

A: You’re not in high school anymore. It’s time for you to have an adult conversation with your roommate about these adult matters. You can’t expect him to leave whenever you get the urge to merge, so ask him what type of arrangement would work for him. Communicate with one another about your schedules for the week. When he’s planning to study at the library, you can plan a private tutoring session with your lady friend.

Q: Is it cool for me to masturbate in my dorm room if my roommate is sleeping?

—The Living and Learning Lone Ranger

A: No. That’s what the shower is for.

Q: My housemate’s girlfriend is loud when they fool around in his room. Either he’s the best she’s ever had or she’s trying to raise the dead — and I’m not going with the former. How do I get her to quiet down?

— Ear-ached in Essex

A: You don’t get her to do anything. Have a talk with your housemate and let him know that her Oscar-winning performances aren’t winning you over. Suggest he either ask her to keep it down or pick a time when you’re out of the house to make her scream. And, hey, you never know — maybe he is the best she’s ever had, and you should be asking him for some pointers.

Q: My roommate consistently leaves her vibrator out in plain sight. Gross! What can I do?

— All Shook Up in Sichel Hall

A: I hope you’re saying “Gross!” about the toy being left out and not about the toy itself. Sex toys are a healthy, fun and safe way to explore your sexuality.

That said, some people never learned how to pick up their toys. Tell your roomie that you’re glad she knows how to get herself off, but that you don’t need to know how she does it. Perhaps she’s never had to share space before and doesn’t realize that you don’t share everything. Be nice when you talk to her; there are far worse things she could leave lying around.

Q: Since starting college, I’ve been introduced to the wonderful world of one-night stands (or ONS, as I like to call them). The problem is, one girl I slept with didn’t realize it was only a one-night thing. Now she’s texting me and showing up at the same parties as me. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I don’t want to date her, either. Any advice?

— One Night Only on North Union Street

A: First and foremost, you’d better be using protection — the “wonderful world of ONS” also contains sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies. And, remember, the pill protects her from getting pregnant but doesn’t prevent your johnson from getting gaping sores. Use a condom.

Whether you like it or not, you’re growing up, and dealing with the consequences of having sex comes along with the territory. Ask her to sit down with you for a chat. Let her know that you should have been more honest about your intentions. Tell her that you’re not in a position to date anyone and that you would appreciate it if she stopped texting you. Her feelings will be hurt, but it’s all part of ONS.

And in the future, have this discussion before you have sex. It might ruin the mood, but at least your integrity will be intact.

Q: When I got to the dorms, I was appalled by the small size of the stand-up showers. Any tips for shaving my bikini line (and more) in such a small space?

— Razor Burned in Redstone

A: One word for you: waxing. Dorm showers are too small for shaving your va-jay-jay.

Q: My girlfriend doesn’t like to swallow. Any tips?

— Spinner Place Straight Shooter

A: Here’s a tip: Don’t come in her mouth. Not every girl likes to get her protein from her boyfriend. Respect her wishes and find someplace else to spill your seed — ask her if she’d be willing to accept it on her chest, face or rear.

Q: Since I got to college, I’ve been wondering if I might be a lesbian. I’ve had boyfriends, but I seem to have a little crush on my female roommate. Can you help me? I’m not sure where to begin, and I’m scared to tell my friends or family.

— Curious Questioner in Colchester

A: It’s perfectly normal to question your sexuality, and you’re likely to find many resources right on campus to help you. Try looking up your school’s GLBTQ group (that’s gay, straight, bisexual, transgender and questioning). If you’d prefer to seek support off campus, visit the RU12? Community Center in Burlington (www.ru12.org). Or, if you’re 22-years-old or under, you can find support through Outright Vermont (www.outrightvt.org).

Remember, you don’t have to be in a rush to label yourself or come out to friends and family. Take your time, develop a community of supportive friends and enjoy this exploratory time in your life. Whether you wind up gay, bisexual, straight or none of the above, you have the right to be exactly who you are.

One last thing: I don’t care if you’re gay or straight — but be careful about crushing on your roommate. Some relationships are better kept platonic.

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About The Author

Mistress Maeve

Mistress Maeve

Bio:
Mistress Maeve wrote a weekly advice column on love and lust from September 2007 until January 2014.

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