My boyfriend and I are writing to ask if you have ideas about lasting longer in bed. We love each other and want to get married, but we are having trouble with our sex life because he can't keep an erection without losing it before I'm done. We need advice about how to last longer. What should we try? We are afraid it's going to get worse or cause problems, and already he is upset and embarrassed by it.
Couple in Trouble
This is the first time I've received a query from a couple, and that deserves some recognition. Bravo for working together on this one! The future of your relationship rests on both your shoulders, so it's mature of you to look for solutions as partners.
A truncated erection is upsetting and embarrassing to any guy. Yes, it sucks — but get over it. Don't waste time feeling self-conscious or frustrated, as it just puts you right back in your head and not in your body. The sooner you let go, the longer you will last. I know, it sounds confusing. But thinking is a waste of energy and time when you should be physically exploring.
Let's start with the Kama Sutra. This ancient guide isn't a sex manual, per se, but rather more of a guide to living a virtuous life. Yet it does boast an extraordinary appreciation for all things pertaining to pleasure. Since sex is on that list, there are some useful tips for achieving a longer-lasting erection. The book suggests you focus on one "in/out" stroke every three seconds. Then you slowly build to more strokes over the next few minutes. If, as you continue, you feel you're going to lose your cool, so to speak, then stop, exit and take a break. Or stay still inside her until you feel you've regained control, and then start slowly again.
Foreplay is also an excellent way to help slow down the whole sex process. And your girlfriend won't complain. Take the time to enjoy each other's body, and use foreplay as an exercise in sexual containment. It will help you to think about sex as more of a journey than a destination.
You may also want to try a little exercise — and I don't mean lifting weights or doing yoga. Next time you pee, stop the flow of urine midstream by releasing and contracting your PC (pubococcygeus) muscles; they're the ones that stretch from the anus to the urinary sphincter. This exercise will help you build the strength and confidence you need to hold it in when it really counts.
Also, masturbation helps. Get to know yourself and become familiar with that moment before you orgasm. Play around with stopping before you come and see how long you can last.
If all else fails, call a doctor. While I prefer a drug-free solution, your doctor can help you determine whether the issue is something you can manage on your own. Know that many men struggle with this sort of thing all the time, and it can be fixed. Have faith, and keep it up!