My boyfriend has had very little sexual desire since our first month together. He says this happens when he gets into a serious relationship. We have been together for six months and are talking about a future together. I'm still attracted to him and have a strong sex drive. Is it fair to ask that he pleasure me even if he doesn't feel sexual? Should I ask him if I can have a lover? Is there another solution? I don't want to throw away our relationship because of my lack of sexual satisfaction, but I know I will not be happy spending my life without it.
Unsatisfied but Unsure
I admire you for trying to make this work — you clearly care a lot for this guy. Sadly, unless he's willing to put in some effort, too, I think your relationship may be approaching its end date.
Sex is important to you. You have needs, and if he cares about you, he should want to fulfill them. You ask if it's fair to have him pleasure you even if he doesn't feel like it — think about that for a second. Is that what you really want? Would you want to pleasure him if you weren't in the mood? It's not a good idea to make sex feel like work. It'll lead to resentment and distance instead of the connection you crave.
Taking a lover on the side is risky, too: It can breed jealousy, anger, confusion and heartache. While I am not against the idea, your boyfriend may be. However, you should tell him you're thinking about it. He needs a wake-up call to the fact that your relationship is in danger.
He says that low sex drive "happens" to him. Why? Barring any physical problems, it sounds like his lack of lust is linked to commitment. Perhaps the idea of getting serious with someone diminishes the thrill of sex. He may need to revisit his past to determine why commitment leaves him cold. Talking to a therapist could help him.
He also needs to realize that serious relationships can still be racy and sexy and adventurous. But it takes effort. The initial adrenaline rush from having sex with a new partner can wear off, and when that happens, you have to explore new ways of having fun and getting close. Maybe he'd be into some role-play. Maybe you can introduce sex toys or take a little sex getaway to recharge your love batteries. But something needs to change if this relationship is going to last.
You said it yourself: You won't be happy with a lifetime of sexual dissatisfaction. While your boyfriend may be amazing otherwise, he is lacking in the very thing that makes a romantic relationship different from a friendship. You want it all. Don't be afraid to get it, even if it means looking elsewhere.
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