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News Quirks (5/7/14) 

Curses, Foiled Again

British police arrested a 30-year-old man they said broke into a hotel in Gloucester but fell off the roof while making his getaway. He tumbled 40 feet and had to call emergency services to rescue him. He had a broken pelvis, leg and nose, a police official said, adding, "Suspected stolen lead piping and music equipment were discovered nearby." (Gloucester Citizen)

When a man pulled a gun on a bank teller in Pompano Beach, Fla., she rejected his demand for money and simply walked away from her bulletproof window. The robber fled empty-handed but left behind his holdup note, written on the back of an online job application with a user name and password belonging to Felipe Cruz, 39. "The robber has given us a clue," FBI agent Michael Leverock said after investigators matched fingerprints on the note with Cruz's. "He probably should have continued looking for honest work." (South Florida Sun Sentinel)

Shirking-Class Hero

Sheriff's deputies responding to a Monday morning call from Dwayne A. Yeagar, 31, saying his home in Brandon, Fla., had been broken into and ransacked, became suspicious because they found no signs of forced entry. Deputies noted other discrepancies and confronted Yeagar, who admitted staging the home burglary to avoid going to work. "He stated his wife was adamant that he go to work," the arrest report said, "and he didn't want to." (Tampa Bay Times)

High on the Hog

Overrun by wild hogs that threaten native wildlife and vegetation and "breed prolifically," Harris County, Texas, officials voted to trap, slaughter and cook them to supply local food banks, then signed a year's contract with a processor for $217,6000. Each hog in the horde, which numbers "as many as 8,000 to 10,000," produces 40 pounds of meat, prompting County Commissioner Steve Radack to declare the plan, which he himself proposed, a "gift from God." Texas Parks and Wildlife responded by posting a recipe for feral hog tacos on its website. Food bank officials said they were excited to receive the hog meat. The USDA warned that "unlike domesticated pigs, wild hogs are more prone to trichinella and toxoplasma parasite infections." (Houston's KTRK-TV)

Let It Go, Bro

Responding to reports of a man calling for help under a manhole cover in Lawton, Okla., police found a man who said he'd been trapped in the sewer for two days. He told them he dropped a $20 bill down a storm drain and had no choice but to go in after it. Once he got underground, however, he lost his way and had to crawl through the wet, dark 42-inch-diameter pipe until he found a spot where someone heard his cries for help. Police Sgt. John Chelenza pointed out, "That's the first time in going on 28 years that we have found somebody down in a storm drain." (Lawton's KSWO-TV)

The Moment Was Wrong

 J.D. Winteregg, a tea party challenger to House Speaker John A. Boehner in Ohio's 8th Congressional District, lost his teaching job at Cedarville University, a small Christian school outside Dayton, for airing a campaign ad accusing Boehner of suffering from "electile dysfunction." The ad parodies Cialis's commercial "When the Moment Is Right" for erectile dysfunction. "Signs of electile dysfunction include extreme skin discoloration, the inability to punch oneself out of a wet paper bag, or maintain a spine in the face of liberal opposition ... smoking and golf," the narrator says, concluding, "If you have a Boehner lasting longer than 23 years, seek immediate medical attention." School official Mark D. Weinstein said the candidate's commercial "did not represent the views or values of Cedarville University." (Washington Times)

Drinking-Class Hero

Police who stopped Michael Moore, 61, for drunk driving in Stuart, Fla., said he told them he left home after arguing with his wife because she accused him of drinking too much, "so he decided to go out and 'drive it off,'" according to the arrest report. (Miami's WPLG-TV)

Ewe Be the Judge

Customs veterinarians examining a flock of a thousand rams being shipped from Sudan to Saudi Arabia to be sold noticed one of the sheep assume a female position for urination. They investigated and found more than 70 of them were ewes, whose export is restricted. "The smugglers used fine thread to sew male organs onto the female sheep," the report said, noting that Sudanese officials seized the entire flock. (BBC News)

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About The Author

Roland Sweet

Bio:
Roland Sweet is the author of the syndicated column "News Quirks," which appears weekly in Seven Days.

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