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The 2013 Sex Survey: Part 7 

Open questions

click to enlarge sex_injury.jpg

If you identify as straight or gay, have you ever had an outlier sexual experience?

“Drunk girl time. Doesn’t everyone?” wrote a married teacher in her thirties. That sentiment seemed to guide many of the responses to this question. Of the 732 people who answered, 30.5 percent said yes. Some experimented in high school and college; others dipped toes into unfamiliar sexual territory with a threesome later on.

An under-20 straight guy recalled a seaside revelation. “At a nude beach, feeling great; erection happened,” he wrote. “Someone noticed and took care of it. Would do it again!”

“Hooked up with a dude,” shared a straight male social worker. “Mutual blowies.”

“I am definitely penis oriented,” a thirtysomething female said. “But sometimes I want to ravish a woman.”

“I was dating a bi guy, living with a gay guy and drinking with my hippie, bi gal pal,” wrote a straight artist in her twenties. “Add liquor and subtitled movie, bake at hot summer-night temperature and you’ve got a broken bedroom curtain rod and candlesticks to wash.”

“I went through a phase where I was extremely attracted to women,” reveals a twentysomething straight woman. “I was angry at my ex and I felt like a cat in heat. They were all fun adventures and I don’t regret any of them.”

“Slept with my best friend in high school. Repeatedly,” admitted another straight gal. “There was nobody else around that we particularly wanted to sleep with, and everybody else certainly didn’t want to sleep with us.”

Have you ever gone to the hospital because of a sex-related injury?

Nice job, folks. Most of you manage to get off without landing in the ER — but a handful of sexual mishaps have resulted in visits to the hospital.

You needed a doctor’s assistance to fish out a torn condom lodged deep inside your vagina. You masturbated after chopping jalapeños. Your hair-pulling girlfriend threw your neck out of alignment. You got orgasm-induced migraines, and somehow strained your Achilles tendon.

As a teenager, before going on to a career in law enforcement, one guy masturbated with a shampoo that made his penis swell. And a trans thirtysomething said he once sprained his wrist fisting a woman.

Some of your stories are scary. An overeager married twentysomething suffered a coaxial blood clot after having sex three times in a row. One young woman’s sexual escapades ended with an asthma attack and an overnight stay in the hospital.

Others are just embarrassing. A fiftysomething woman had to see a doctor when she couldn’t remove her diaphragm, which “got super-suctioned up there.” “You must see this all the time,” she recalled telling her practitioner. “Nope,” the doctor replied. “Can’t say that I have!”

Still, most of you seem to have a good attitude about your erotic accidents. A thirtysomething married teacher wrote about hers as if it were a badge of sexual honor: “Threw my back out having sex at the Capitol Plaza Hotel in MontyP! YEEHAAW!”

What, if anything, are you embarrassed/ashamed about sexually?

As exuberant as sex can be, it comes with a Mack truck full of hang-ups, at least judging from your responses. Limp penises, small boobs, kinky tendencies — Vermonters certainly share universal fears when it comes to gettin’ nekkid, with a few salty concerns thrown in.

We’re not surprised that body insecurities dominate, particularly among women. “My body in the light,” confessed one. “Some call me Sasquatch,” said another. A single thirtysomething is insecure, she said, because “My tits are deformed.” Some moms are self-conscious about their post-pregnancy shape. But rest assured that both genders have self-doubt. One married guy harbors the secret of a past pencil injury to his penis, while many others cited unimpressive length or girth as their own private crosses to bear.

For some guys, it’s performance anxiety: One fortysomething was ashamed of being “a two-pump chump,” while a younger dude worried, “I can’t do it right.”

The unsavory sounds and smells of sex rattle some of you. “Queefing” — that unfortunate vaginal exhalation — received a heap of votes. (“There might be unwanted noises that slip out,” explained one female college student.) Another twentysomething summed up olfactory mortification: “I smell down there.”

Even juicier is the territory of unorthodox desires and fears. One married bisexual was embarrassed by “how badly I want my boss.” A married man in his fifties admitted, “Although I would never act on it, watching animals fuck turns me on.” A straight male in his thirties and a twentysomething lesbian had one thing in common: a foot fetish. And both were embarrassed by it.

Some of your responses were wrenching. One college student spoke for many in confessing, “Not sure if I’ve ever had an orgasm.” A thirtysomething woman who claimed to be polyamorous cited “rejection” as her biggest shame.

Overall, though, plenty of respondents seem to be just fine with the way they are — and big props for that. One fortysomething teacher summed up her lack of insecurities bluntly: “Nope. Don’t have that. Because if I fart in your face, it means I’m about to come really hard … YOU SHOULD BE PSYCHED.”

We can imagine her words of wisdom to the trucker ashamed of his three-inch penis: Work the tongue, dude, and no one will care.

Name the Vermont celebrity you’d most like to bang.

This year’s sex survey was all about Nocturnal admissions: Grace Potter, of Grace Potter and the Nocturnals, is the pants-down favorite for Vermont’s most bang-worthy celeb. This year, Grace’s mom even got some votes. Go, Peggy!

In fairness, Waitsfield’s leggy blond rocker was one of the few people on this year’s list who qualify as a “celebrity” outside the Green Mountain State, along with perennial favorites Bernie Sanders, Patrick Leahy (“Gotta respect seniority!” wrote one reader) and Dos Equis ad man Jonathan Goldsmith, aka “the most interesting man in the world.”

Ignoring the second-most-common response to the question — “Vermont has celebrities?” — this year’s results speak volumes about readers’ sexual fantasies. Simply put, we lust after the hotties who pop up in our living rooms each morning and night to deliver us news, sports and the weather.

Topping the 2013 list of babelicious broadcasters was über-cutie WCAX reporter Gina Bullard. Our readers gave new meaning to the popular news segment “Made in Vermont.” Channel 3’s perky brunette just barely edged out Kerrin Jeromin, chief meteorologist for Fox 44 and ABC 22. Evidently, when Kerrin talks about a “high-pressure front bearing down on the nation’s midsection,” some Vermonters get all hot and sticky.

Other broadcasters who enjoy high ratings in the doability department include Susie Steimle, the former WCAX political reporter who’s since moved to an NBC affiliate in Providence, R.I. Steimle finished in a tie with WCAX morning anchor Molly Smith.

But it wasn’t just the ladies knocking ’em dead from the small screen. WCAX evening anchor and repeat Daysies winner Darren Perron got lots of votes this year — from men and women alike. Is it Darren’s French-cuff dress shirts or his to-die-for eyelashes that are melting viewers’ hearts?

Vermonters have a measurable lust for power. Topping this year’s list of poundable pols was Burlington Mayor Miro Weinberger, followed by Sens. Sanders and Leahy, Gov. Peter Shumlin, Sen. Tim Ashe and former lieutenant governor candidate Cass Gekas.

As for other dudes and debs who routinely make this list: Rusty DeWees, aka the Logger, had his usual strong showing, as did singer-songwriters Neko Case and Anaïs Mitchell. “Miss Vermont” also polled strong, despite no other identifying info.

By far the creepiest answer to this question came from a sixtysomething gay man who wrote, “Brigham Young, Joseph Smith and Ted Bundy.” The Mormons are understandable — hey, they have magic underwear! — but a serial killer?

If you’re in a happily sexed-up, long-term relationship, what’s your secret to keeping things hot?

A lot of energy — and heartache — went into finding someone you want to rub up against every night. Now that you’ve got it, how do you ensure the hard-won LTR doesn’t become TFP — totally fucking predictable?

“Goooood question,” observed a partnered twentysomething who identified as “genderqueer.” Even great sex can get routine. Which is, of course, a compelling argument for variety and spontaneity: “new positions, new locations, different rooms in the house,” risk taking, “kitchen sex,” toys, games, sexting, porn, weekends away and the occasional night in a local motel.

But long-term lovers had more to say about frequency and scheduling of sexual encounters than about bondage or spanking. (Weed and wine barely made the list of secrets for sexual sustainability. There were just as many votes for “Always let her come first,” “Never wear pants to sleep” and “Wait until after I’ve had breakfast.”)

Many recommend a daily regime: “We make it happen every day, once a day, like taking your daily vitamin,” reported one reliable dude. And that’s “Even if you’re tired.” “Even if you don’t feel like it.” “Even if you’re not in the mood.” “Even if you have other things on your mind.”

Others want it “a lot,” “several times a week,” or at least once every seven days. An older gay man swore by “Anal sexy every Sunday night.” After “Downton Abbey,” we presume.

What about “absence makes the heart grow fonder”? That works, too, whether it involves short, predictable breaks or long, dramatic ones. “When we finally get to see each other after a month or so, we just go crazy!” reported the girlfriend of an active-duty soldier.

The right balance of familiarity and freshness is “variety for me, consistency for her,” said one fellow who appeared to have solved the conundrum. “Yes, you can do both.”

Among the committed, communication beat out chemistry as a predictor of hot-love longevity. If there’s consensus on anything — among genders, political parties, sexual orientations, etc. — it’s the importance of “open dialogue,” “staying connected emotionally,” “keeping it real and honest all the time,” and “telling your partner what you want to try out.”

One twentysomething summed it up nicely with his recipe for “sexess”: “Communication, having a good sense of humor, separate bathrooms. In general, trying hard to be a real human being and not some fucking creep.”

Along those lines, there were a few predictable pitches for polyamory, threesomes, open relationships and cheating. One woman recommended “being so emotionally detached from my husband that he has an emotional fling with a coworker. Once it’s over, wow, hello sex!” That doesn’t sound very sustainable.

Ditto “There’s always something heavier to be beaten with.”

Maybe the key to keeping it up for the long haul is simply not looking back. “Other than being married for 22 years,” said a man born before sex surveys were invented, “I’ve never had a long-term relationship.”

Describe your favorite sexual fantasy

Threesomes. Cheating. Beards. Vin Diesel. Middle-school teachers. Red hair. Thick thighs. Sexy strangers. Cloned boyfriends. Lab coats. Twins. Your cumulative fantasies read like a swashbuckling, sci-fi erotic thriller crossed with a Nicholas Sparks-inspired costume drama.

A fortysomething who identified as both male and female intrigued us with this fantasy in list form: “1. Too many voices in the room. 2. Two hot men. 3. Beach. 4. Rescue. 5. Pirate kidnapping.”

A lesbian in her twenties got sensual. “A pretty, naked lady feeds me chocolate cheesecake in bed, and then eats me out,” she wrote. “She cannot have had any chocolate cheesecake beforehand, though.”

A married guy in his thirties fantasized about “meeting up with a long-lost could-have-been-girlfriend at a business conference, getting drunk together and undoing all the buttons on her business blouse.”

A twentysomething artist set a titillating scene: “Ancient Roman market street. I’m on a table for anyone that wants me. I let them do anything they want while people just walk by like it’s nothing.”

A fortysomething man also fantasized with historical flair. “Dressing like a Viking, decapitating my ex’s live-in lover and dragging her back to the longship,” he wrote. “And snuggling.”

“Being the only man in the whole kingdom who is able to please my 6'5'' Amazon queen,” shared a guy in his twenties.

“A threesome in the middle of the old-growth redwood forest,” wrote a twentysomething bisexual woman. “Two thousand years’ worth of needles make the most fantastic mattress.”

A twentysomething bisexual student dreamt of “Darren Criss + Freddie Mercury + me singing together at first and then doing it with each other.”

And another woman in her twenties offered this straight-from-Hollywood scene: “Beach house … it’s raining out, with the doors open … [I’m] being pushed against a wall overlooking the ocean while making passionate love.”

“I try not to set myself up for unrealistic expectations. I like to see what the moment brings,” wrote a fortysomething woman. “That said, being naked with John Mayer would be nice.”

A married artist in his twenties was more blunt. “Mad butts for my dong to be donging,” he suggested.

For some, the personal is political, as for a twentysomething pansexual male: “Having sex in public to protest mountaintop wind.”

But one married man in his forties had far simpler desires: “Chinese food, blow job, nap.”

Illustration by Sean Metcalf.

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