Pin It

Westboro Baptist Band of Crazies Coming to VT? 

Friends, I cannot tell you how excited I am. OK, I'll tell you. On Sept. 1, in the year of our lord two thousand niner, Fred Phelps, the hate-spewing sign-monger from Kansas, will be gracing us with his presence here in the Green Mountain State. Well, he'll probably just be sending his minions, and by minions I mean his toothy daughter Shirley and her umpteen inbred children. They're coming to protest our little state for crimes against a wrathful God or some such nonsense.

Here's a little background on Mr. Phelps (no relation to human fish cum mad toker Michael Phelps) and his Westboro Baptist Church. Apparently God visited Phelps and was all like, "Yo son, what's wrong with this world? Dudes are doing other dudes and it goes against my will 'n' shit." And Phelps was all like, "Oh, word, homes. Guys screwing other guys in the poopshoot ain't cool. I gotta do sumpin' about this." And God was all like, "Dawg, you need to represent me on Earth. Ain't nobody down there listening to me." And Phelps was all like, "God/Jesus/the holy spirit, I feel you. You can count on me." Then he started making crazypants signs that say God Hates Fags and Thank God For AIDS and other awesome stuff like that. Sign Guy Steve totally ripped them off.

So apparently little Vermont, soon to be home of BIG GAY WEDDINGS, is on the Phelps family's crazyradar. Assuming we don't get bumped from the crazyschedule for a military funeral or a town hall meeting, the Westboro crew is slated to roll into Montpelier for a little picket action on the first of September.

According to their online schedule, they've got a pretty busy day of hating. First, they'll be at Montpelier High School from 7:20 to 7:50 a.m. Damn, you gotta get up early to hate with the Phelpses. Apparently, during this protest they'll be serving "Bitch Burgers, Obama Fries & Simple Slut Shakes!" Yum! Uh, does the slut shake come in maple?

Then, from 7:55 to 8:25 a.m., they'll be spewing crazy outside the Statehouse. According to their website, this is why they're hitting the Statehouse: "Vermont is known for one thing primarily in this day and age (no not the beautiful scenery, not the quiet quaint towns, not the Maple Syrup). They are the most 'gay' friendly spot in DOOMED america. That is a great shame on this state and their State House. We must preach to them, and advise them of their impending doom." Sic.

After the Statehouse, they'll be outside the City Clerk/Treasurer's office from 8:30 to 9 a.m., and then they'll be packing up their crazy train and heading to Burlington to picket some Jews. I'm sure that'll go over like a toot at a funeral. They've got UVM Hillel, Chabad of VT and Ohavi Zedek Synagogue on their agenda. Not sure why they hate Jews so much, since, like, um, Jesus was a Jew and all and he's, like, God, right?

Anyway, if you're so inclined, you can pop on over to the bankrupted church's website for the deets, including a brilliant, multifonted press release about the Montpelier High School picket. Fingers crossed that they don't bail like the last time they threatened to pass on God's wrath to Vermont.

Got something to say? Send a letter to the editor and we'll publish your feedback in print!

Tags: ,

Pin It

More by Lauren Ober

About The Author

Lauren Ober

Lauren Ober

Lauren Ober was a Seven Days staff writer from 2009-2011.

Comments (11)

Showing 1-10 of 11

Add a comment

Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-10 of 11

Add a comment

Seven Days moderates comments in order to ensure a civil environment. Please treat the comments section as you would a town meeting, dinner party or classroom discussion. In other words, keep commenting classy! Read our guidelines...

Note: Comments are limited to 300 words.

Recent Comments

Social Club

Like Seven Days contests and events? Join the club!

See an example of this newsletter...

Keep up with us Seven Days a week!

Sign up for our fun and informative

All content © 2016 Da Capo Publishing, Inc. 255 So Champlain St Ste 5, Burlington, VT 05401
Website powered by Foundation