Okay, So Obviously Any Monkey Who is a Fan of Chuck Norris is a Threat to Your Scrotum! | Solid State

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Thursday, February 26, 2009

Okay, So Obviously Any Monkey Who is a Fan of Chuck Norris is a Threat to Your Scrotum!

Posted By on Thu, Feb 26, 2009 at 12:02 PM

(Editor's Note: Bryan Dondero, Solid State. Solid State, Bryan Dondero. This is the last time I'll introduce you to each other. Anyway, today Mr. Dondero takes a slight detour from musical ramblings and gets down to some monkey business. -DB)

The latest headlines in the New York Times show that the monkey debate (don't say "trial," that's completely different) still continues. Let me just say that "I get it."  If it weren't for the whole throwing poop thing, I would totally want a pet monkey. But really, when you think about it, throwing poop is a symbolic gesture that states the underlying truth about monkeys here. THEY ARE NOT MEANT TO BE DOMESTICATED!  Sure, I know a little about evolution and the natural order of things. And yes, given several hundred years of domesticating and breeding, maybe monkeys could be on par with dogs. But I've seen Planet of the Apes. I know what happens if we do that.

Alas, people still love their monkeys. Given last week's tragedy, where some old lady's chimp nearly mauled her friend to death and consequently ended up with the chimp being shot and killed, one would think that the lesson would be learned. Hmmmm . . . maybe I shouldn't be trying to raise orangutans in my living room.  Bob, the monkey owner featured in the above Times article, when asked about last week's monkey mishap succinctly observes, "she was delusional.” He continues, “she anthropomorphized the primate to such a degree that he was more human than chimpanzee.” This coming from a man who's own monkey nearly gave him a vasectomy. They just can't let their beloved primates go, “He bit my arms, legs and face,” another monkey owner claims. “It was terrifying, but I still love him.”

Maybe Heston was right. Maybe we are destined to be outsmarted and overthrown by primates some day.  Maybe our moronic tendencies to value things that are cute and cuddly over the natural order of things will eventually be our demise. Perhaps we should have seen that huge stinking glob of feces being hurled right at our faces . . . and ducked.


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