Down and Out 

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My boyfriend is well-meaning and really attentive, so I feel bad complaining, but his oral skills are terrible. He is a fan of saying that he could go down on me “every day and twice on Sunday.” And all I can think is, Oh, please don’t.

It’s not that he isn’t enthusiastic. He likes to show excitement by making very dramatic slurping and moaning sounds while he does it. It makes me feel like I’m an all-you-can-eat buffet. I have never once had an orgasm from it (but I may have faked it a few times). I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I can’t take it anymore. How do I get him to change his ways?

Signed,

Oral Agony

Dear Oral Agony,

The single most powerful thing we can do to change our sex lives is be honest. So the first thing you must do is stop lying. Faking an orgasm only reinforces his audibly sloppy ministrations, so cut it out. Remember, no one else is going to take responsibility for your pleasure. It’s your job, and yours alone — no Fairy Godmother is going to wave a magic wand and turn your boyfriend into James Deen (google him).

It’s time to give your boyfriend some friendly coaching about your body. After all, you are teammates, and you have to work together to reach your goals (both in life and in the sack). Don’t bring it up during sex — emotions and vulnerability run high during intimacy, making egos more fragile. In a neutral moment, let him know how much you appreciate his enthusiasm about going downtown and offer to help him enhance his skills by taking him on a sexy tour of your vag. A secure guy will immediately take up the offer to learn how to please you better. If he looks disheartened, assure him that you love what he’s doing, but every woman’s body is different — and you want to custom design his oral skills to fit your unique needs.

From there, ask him to experiment with different tongue patterns and finger tricks — enjoy yourself and give him feedback about his tactics. When he starts to moan and slurp, gently tell him that you would be able to concentrate more fully on your orgasm if he would be a bit quieter.

Hush now,

MM

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