Gamekeeper's Notebook: Deer Seasons 

Deer seasons in Vermont proliferate.

To date:

Bow season, mostly,

with a modicum of luck,

a breeze.

Rifle Season, when snipers wait

in ambush, in the arms of mother maples,

eyes to telescopic sights effective

at a thousand yards;

discreetly gender-bent for Doe and Buck

(including pronghorns),

distinctions only for the prey,

(who haven't got a prayer).

We add insult to injury with

Crossbow and Muzzle Loader Seasons,

for hunters with a flare for drama,

favorites of deer with a nose

for human history.

Every armchair marksman

has a deer-in-the-headlights story

about success in what might be dubbed:

Hit-and-Run Season,

where the dumb buck or flighty doe

bolts from the treeline into easy range

of RV, pickup, SUV and minivan,

to which season we ought to add

for the sake of Pentagon and Weapons Industries:

Uzi, Scud and

Smart Bomb Seasons,

and for the Toys & Little Warmongers Industry:

Slingshot, Wrist Rocket,

Frisbee and Rubber Knife Seasons.

Not to slight the Arts, we'd institute:

Haiku & Limerick Season,

Tap, Salsa & Ballroom Dancing Season,

plus Chopsticks-on-Piano, Violin Lessons,

Little Thespians and Portraits-on-Velvet

Season.

For harried parents and the lunatic fringe,

there always have been:

Hanging by the Heels,

Pop-Gun, Screaming Child,

and Dripping Faucet Seasons.

The most obvious cause to hunt

the hapless creatures in Vermont

is to annoy them,

so we urge creation of:

Bad Joke Season,

Political Primary Season,

Talk Show, Scratch & Sniff,

*/^@# and Verbal Abuse Seasons.

We've heard deer speak among themselves

in gratitude

that we mostly prefer to kill them utterly

for this reason -

what could be more torturous

than living on into the winter holidays,

with:

Little Drummer Boy, Shep Fields

& His Kazoo Orchestra's Greatest Hits,

and Interfaith Kitchen Band Seasons?