I'm Trans and Nervous About Getting Intimate | Ask Athena | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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I'm Trans and Nervous About Getting Intimate 

Published April 15, 2015 at 10:00 a.m.

Dear Athena,

I am a 30-year-old trans woman, and I'm finally at the point in my transition where things are getting better in every aspect of my life. I met this guy who is totally supportive, loving and kind and doesn't mind taking things slow — the whole package. He has been with trans women before but says he is not a "chaser," which is a positive to me. I have an upcoming surgery, but in the meantime we are starting to get intimate. I don't really like anal sex, but I don't know what else to do. He says he doesn't mind, but I'm self-conscious about it. I'd like to be intimate with him. What should I do?


Trans and Taking It Slow

Dear Trans and Taking It Slow,

I'm so pleased you've met someone with whom you feel comfortable and cherished, and who is supportive of the exciting life changes you are experiencing. Hold on to him; he sounds like a keeper!

Since he says he's OK with taking it slow, I think you should do just that. While sex is a great way to get physical, there are other roads to intimacy. Kissing, caressing, dancing, bathing, even sleeping next to each other — these are all ways to get cozy and close.

What turns him on? If you don't know, ask. Learning to be compatible and satisfied in an intimate way isn't solely your responsibility — it should be a team effort. And I'm sure he'll enjoy discovering mutual pleasures with you.

If you haven't tried oral sex yet, that's definitely something to explore. And when it comes to anal, share your reservations and discuss ways to make it more satisfying and comfortable before going for it. Keep the pressure off by treating it like an experiment. Showering together as a warm-up may help you get in the mood. Go slow, use lots of lube and engage in plenty of foreplay first. You might enjoy it more than you expect.

While your surgery may seem like a long way off, the intimacy you create now — with or without sex — is really valuable. A healthy and successful relationship is built on more than sex. It's about sharing life experiences, supporting each other's interests and growing as friends, too. You can take a trip, sign up for a class or start a new hobby together. The stronger the foundation you build, the better the sex is when the time is right. You have an exciting adventure ahead.



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