In the Kings' Room 

I began to think about these guys and wonder who they were, when I happened to glance up and see this giant stained-glass King staring down at me. I just about freaked! Then I saw another and another -- six Kings in all, one to a window, looming over me and the room.

One King was sitting on a rock with a gold crown and staff. Another had long, flowing robes. One King was mysteriously holding up three fingers, and another, a giant crystal ball. I must've looked like some kind of bozo gawking up at these guys, but I couldn't take my eyes off them. They were just so big!

Just then the door creaked open and I jumped -- but it was only Bryan. He whispered, "Hey."

I turned back to the windows to light more candles. Something felt wrong. Just like that. A switch went off in me and I felt, I dunno, pissed and angry. Disgusted. A minute ago I couldn't wait to get my hands on Bryan and now, for some reason, I didn't even want to look at him. I mean I really didn't want to look at him. I felt like if I did he'd know what I was thinking.

Bryan sauntered across the room with his hands in his pockets. He leaned against the sill, fiddled with some holly, looked at me, and just waited.

Then he blew a candle out.

"Don't do that," I said. I lit it again.

Then Bryan got this shit-eating grin on his face and, without missing a beat, he blew it out again.

"GODDAMN IT," I yelled. "STOP IT!"

Instantly my eyes shot to the door -- I thought for sure we'd be caught. When I looked at Bryan, he had this look on his face -- I'll never forget it -- it was like I'd betrayed him. He didn't say a word. He just kind of hung his head low and walked to the back pew and sat down.

Suddenly I wasn't so hot to light any more candles.

After awhile I went over and sat next to him. I didn't know what to say and Bryan stayed quiet, so we just sat there for the longest time listening to the muted sounds coming from the sanctuary.

Then Bryan started digging in his pocket and pulled out this crumpled wad of green tissue paper, the kind of thing you might see laying on the floor after a birthday party. He laid it on my leg.

"What's this?" I asked.

"Open it up."

I began uncrumpling it. Inside, nestled at the center, I found this little jade horse carved out of stone. I held it in my hand and just stared at it. It was beautiful.

"It's for, you know, Christmas," he said. I was blown away. "Bryan it's... it's a perfect thing."

And it was. Really.

So you'd think I'd do something nice for him, right? Like lean over and kiss him or pull a present out of my pocket. Well, nothing like that happened. Out in the sanctuary, the bell ringers had begun.

Bryan said, "You'd better go."

"Yeah, I know."

I slipped the horse in my pocket, took the trumpet out of its case, walked to the door, then hesitated. I looked back at Bryan. "See you later?"

"Yeah," he said kind of low.

I felt like I wanted to say something, only I didn't know what it was.

As I walked through the double doors at the back of the sanctuary, the bell ringers were just wrapping up. When they finished, I took a deep breath and began striding down the center aisle toward the stage. Other than a few coughs, it was quiet.

My trumpet solo is important. It's the part of the service where people begin lighting their own candles, the part where they file out of the church and down onto the field to sing hymns around a fire. The part most people say they like best.

I walked up the steps to the stage, strode to the center and glanced around at all those faces staring up at me. Then I looked down at my feet, set a good stance, wet my lips, and held up the trumpet. It was dead quiet. Everybody was waiting.

Then my eyes fixed on the double doors at the back of the sanctuary and I just froze. My chest tightened -- it felt like I was suffocating. I couldn't catch my breath. Don't think about him. Just play! But I couldn't -- there wasn't any air. I brought the trumpet down, gasped for breath, stepped back and said, "Sorry."

Everybody was waiting.

Once more I stepped forward, found my footing, and brought the trumpet up to my mouth. I looked out at all those people staring up at me... all those people.

Suddenly I felt all hot-faced, teary-eyed and shaky. My chest felt like it was caving in. I closed my eyes and just stood there, tight-lipped and trembling, trying to hold back this other thing that felt like it was going to burst out everywhere.

That's when I lost it.

I dropped the trumpet to my waist and held my hand up to my brow like I was trying to shield my eyes from the light -- only I wasn't. I didn't want anybody to see me! I looked over at the organist. She had her hand up to her mouth in an "Oh, no!" kind of way. I had to get out of there.

I stumbled off the stage and ran up the aisle. I didn't look at anybody -- no way! I burst through the double doors and they hit the wall with a loud crack. Behind me they swung back and forth with a whump-whump, whump-whump as I made a beeline for the dark brown door.

The Kings' Room was dark again, candle smoke hanging in the air. I stood at the opened door wiping my eyes and whispering loudly, "Bryan? Bryan?" only to hear nothing.

I ran outside and started searching for him everywhere -- side of the church, front yard, backyard, parking lot. I ran up streets at random, calling and calling for him. Still nothing. Then I ran back to the church, hoping that I'd missed him there.

Out of breath and panting like a mad man, I stood at the back of the sanctuary where, not 20 or 30 minutes ago, I'd waited to go onstage. Now the church was empty; all the fluorescent lights were on, the Christmas lights off. Gone were the warm lights of the candles, the tree, and a star we'd hung over the center of the stage.

It was then I knew that Bryan had gone home.

I could've sat in the back pew and balled my eyes out, but I didn't. My solo had been enough embarrassment for one night. Now I just wanted to go home. So I scooped up my trumpet and coat, and headed out the door to the parking lot. That's when I heard people singing.

I sat on the guardrail at the edge of the parking lot and looked out onto the field. I'd totally forgotten about the rest of the service, but there they were, everybody from the church, holding lit candles, huddled around a bonfire and singing "Silent Night." Everybody was close, holding hands and stuff like that. It looked kind of pretty. I shoved my hands into my coat pockets and just sat there watching them for a while.

Then someone behind me said, "Hey!"

I just about jumped out of my skin. It was Bryan. "Shit, man, you scared the hell out of me!" I said.

He just stared at me.

"What?" I said.

"You're crying."

"No, I'm not!" I wiped my eyes and started to laugh. "Just a little." I looked up at him. "Where were you?"

He swung his leg over the guardrail and sat next to me. He was blushing, and I mean really blushing.

"What?" I said.

"My, uh, my Mom's going to her boyfriend's tonight."

I was, like, "...eeyeah?"

"And, I mean, I still have to watch my little sister and all, but, you want to spend the night?"

I think I laughed a little. "Um, Bryan, there's this thing called my Mom."

"Done."

"What?"

"It's arranged. I went back to my house. My Mom can be pretty cool sometimes. She called your Mom and everything."

I had to sit there a few seconds just to let it all sink in. Did he just say what I think he said?

"C'mon," he said, walking backwards away from me. "Let's go!"

"Wait, wait," I said. "Before we go anywhere I, like, really need to apologize--"

He interrupted, "You can tell me later. C'mon, let's go."

"But I was a jerk--"

"Tell me later! C'mon!"

"I love the horse--"

"Later!"

I looked out over the field at all those flickering lights and then back at Bryan weaving his way through parked cars. I caught up to him and we started walking -- no, running like hell -- out of the parking lot and down the street toward his house. In a few minutes we were there, inside where it was warm, padding quietly up the stairs so as not to wake Bryan's little sister. Then we stopped in front of a closed door. He whispered, "This is my room. Come on in."