Knotty Boy | Mistress Maeve | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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Knotty Boy 

Mistress Meave

Published November 29, 2007 at 1:29 p.m. | Updated December 18, 2019 at 12:46 p.m.

Dearest Mistress,

I am a well respected and somewhat prominent member of my community. Add to that the fact that I am married and have kids, and everything seems great, right?

Well, yes and no. For my entire sexually active life, I have been into BDSM. I'm not sure where it comes from, but I have a desire to be tied up and tormented accordingly.

My wife, however, is not into this lifestyle, and I'm finding it hard not to want to find someone who can help me scratch this itch...

Mistress, this isn't really about sex - it's about power (or loss thereof). How do I go about fulfilling this need that I have? Would I be unfaithful to my wife if I did?


Fit To Be Tied

Dear F.T.B.T.,

If you're asking me whether participating in BDSM behind your wife's back is cheating - it is, and it will ultimately only make your situation worse.

That being said, I get it: You're not talking about getting your rocks off - you're talking about a sexual, emotional and perhaps even spiritual journey through power exchange. People who haven't experienced the cathartic effects of BDSM often do not understand how compelling these urges can be.

You say you don't know where your desire comes from, and that worries me. Before I play with any submissive, I demand to know exactly what led them to BDSM. Sometimes it's simply a sense of adventure, but most of the time the feeling is rooted in a deep emotional place and takes them back to childhood. I urge you to explore the roots of your desire - with a therapist, if necessary - and communicate this to your wife. If you're more forthcoming with your feelings, she may be more willing to oblige - she might even see it as a way to become closer to you emotionally.

You say your wife isn't into the "lifestyle," but how do you know? How have you broached the subject? If she thinks you want her in a full leather body suit, flogging you while you bark like a dog, she may be put off or intimidated. However, she could be open to playing with fuzzy cuffs and feathers. While this may seem vanilla to you, it can be a comfortable introduction to the more taboo activities you crave.

If you get real with your wife about the roots of your BDSM fantasies, she may surprise you. If she still balks, you'll have to decide what's more important - your submissive needs, or your marriage. But either way, you owe it to your wife to remain faithful and try to work it out with her. BDSM is about mutual trust and respect - be sure you extend those same courtesies to your wife.

Love me knot,


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Mistress Maeve

Mistress Maeve

Mistress Maeve wrote a weekly advice column on love and lust from September 2007 until January 2014.


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