Sex in the Country? Good stuff 

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• Mathew Thorsen

Let’s face it — St. Albans is not exactly Sin City. Decked out for Christmas, its wholesome Main Street looks like it was lifted from an episode of “Leave it to Beaver.” Uh, make that “Happy Days.”

In fact, “Rail City” is home to the annual maple festival and one of the state’s largest selection of dildos. On Federal Street, just past the St. Albans dairy co-op, Good Stuff Variety Store offers up an embarrassment of fake phalluses, from the midget widget to the foot-long “Big John.” Not to mention porn videos, penis pumps, gag gifts and anatomically correct inflatables.

“Sex is everywhere. It ain’t just the big city,” says Good Stuff owner Tom Massey, who says the store was more like a Spencer Gifts when he opened it two years ago. “Everybody has their fantasies and desires. This evolved from what the customers wanted, what sold,” he says. Summing it up with a chuckle, he suggests, “The videos are for the boys, and the toys are for the girls.”

The x-rated stuff only takes up about a third of the store — the rest of the place is devoted to “tobacco products,” decals, jewelry, baseball caps and camouflage gear. But Good Stuff in St. Albans has a lot more inventory than its new satellite store on Burlington’s Church Street. An entire wall is given over to porn videos, sporting cover art that would make a gynecologist blush. The selection is, well, diverse, from Black Chicks with Dicks to Cum-Eating Putas. From now until Christmas you can buy one and get the second one for half off. Or get off on the second one. Whatever…

“The customers are old, young, educated, uneducated — they are everybody,” says Massey, who describes himself as “happily engaged.” “People come in and ask about sex. They want to make their relationships better. I think that’s great. We got an old-timer in here asking for a cream to make him last longer with his wife.”

Nothing amongst the massage oils looks like a substitute for Viagra, but Good Stuff does sell a variety of pretty serious-looking penis pumps, from the starter model for $19.95 to the Cadillac — an elaborate contraption called the Heavy Metal Power Pump, priced at $69.95. Assuming a functioning erection, sensitive guys may also want to invest in a vibrating cock ring, a.k.a. “the rabbit.” “Worn right, it’s very nice,” Massey assures. Worn wrong? Yikes.

Next to the high-tech stuff, the dildos look pretty straightforward, be they vibrating, double-sided, with or without scrotum. Although Massey insists some women prefer them petite, the 10-inch Jelly Royale is definitely a stand-out. Euro-trash girls may opt for the “realistic cock with uncut foreskin — hand-colored and detailed to capture every bulge and crease of a real cock,” as the package promises.

Massey points out a strap-on. “You wouldn’t think that would sell in Vermont,” he suggests. Guess he’s never been to Home Depot on a Friday night…

The priciest items at Good Stuff are definitely the inflatables: For $224, ”Jason” gives it up with a “full, open mouth and soft, curly blond hair.” The female version of Jason is cheaper, and you can avoid inflatable intimacy altogether — and save a hundred bucks — by opting for just the orifices. Too bad there isn’t a way to get the two dolls together — or, better yet, the customers buying them. O, now that would be a Holy Night.