The Parmelee Post: Rabid Raccoon Denounces Violence on Many Sides 

Officials from the Vermont Fish & Wildlife Department announced Saturday that the most recent raccoon to test positive for the rabies virus in the state was discovered while delivering a rather unusual message.

“I condemn in the strongest possible terms this egregious display of violence, on many sides,” said the clearly disoriented and drooling raccoon. Wildlife officials first spotted it violently attacking large groups of peaceful animals.

“We suspected the raccoon might be infected when we noticed it lashing out at any and every animal it came across, with the exception of other rabid raccoons,” said biologist Sandy Britches. “But hearing the animal make such a bizarre and meaningless statement was a dead giveaway that the poor little fellow was suffering from the extreme symptoms of late-stage rabies.”

The rambling raccoon is the 24th animal to test positive for the virus in Vermont so far this year, and comes just as the state is set to begin its 21st rabies bait drop. An attempt to vaccinate wildlife from the further spread of the virus, the bait drop seems to have prompted the raccoon’s bizarre statements.

“By trying to minimize the spread of the rabies virus, the state is clearly trying to eradicate the noble and proud heritage of deranged rabid animals,” the raccoon said. “This is our land that we rightfully stole from non-rabid animals, and this aggression will not stand.”

“Obviously, none of the comments made by this raccoon make any sense,” said Britches. “There are not ‘many sides’ to this. There are rabid animals and there are people like us who work very hard to try and prevent those rabid animals from hurting or killing people. It really is pretty simple, but, then again, severe confusion is a common side effect of this dastardly virus.”

Wildlife officials say it is safe to assume that things are nearly over for this particular infected raccoon. But that doesn’t mean the threat of the virus is going away any time soon.

“The only way to stop the spread of this awful affliction is for non-rabid animals to call it what it is and nonviolently resist it in their communities,” said Britches. “Don’t sit around and wait until it hurts you or someone you love, because it will if you let it.”

The Parmelee Post is a weekly series featuring tough investigative reporting on news that hasn't happened.