Classes We'd Most Like to Take 

Yep, it's August again -- the time of year when we scroll through online college catalogs and sigh over the classes we wish we could take. If only real jobs weren't so much, well, work. Students just don't know how good they've got it. On the other hand, interpreting course titles is a lot more fun than taking tests. If you've signed up for any of the following, don't fret; the real classes are much more serious, probably.

(University of Vermont)

I really want to be a doctor, like on "ER," and I've been trying to steel myself by watching those reality shows where they do actual surgeries, but it is so gross! Really, I mean, ewww! I'm never going to make it to med school if the sight of blood makes me hurl. So I'm psyched that this class just comes right out and admits that anatomy is disgusting. Besides, the professor for this class is a total hottie. I wouldn't mind checking out his body fluids...

(Burlington College)

How timely is this? I figure we'll finally learn the real stories behind, say, John Kerry's Vietnam exploits and George W. Bush's, um, "service" in the National Guard -- and how come those Swift Boat dudes aren't worked up about that? But enough of this macho crap; I'm writing a paper on how a candidate's hair -- or lack thereof -- impacts the youth vote. Field trip to Ohio, where we will interview swingers. But I wonder what we're going to do after November 3?

(Castleton State College)

Who knew there was an actual theory? I guess we'll learn the intellectual underpinnings of such strategies as screaming until your veins bulge out in your neck. Our high school football coach had his own EMT handy in case he had a coronary, or a cow. And what's the theory behind all that butt-patting?

(St. Michael's College)

Omigod, you mean to tell me I could actually go back in time? Does NASA know about this? I am so going back to tell off Kelly Williams for stealing my boyfriend senior year. I thought of the best line after that fight we had. While I'm at it, I might as well get a decent haircut, because I look like a total skanker in my yearbook. On second thought, forget that -- if I combine this course with MUS 1015-J01 MEET THE MASTERS (Johnson State), I could go way back and hang with Hendrix before he choked. Sweet! But do I have to take the rest of the class along?

(Castleton State College)

I really like the positive, can-do attitude of this class. Usually they focus on the ideas that totally suck ass -- you know, trickle-down, voodoo, and tax rebates that bankrupt the government. I expect we'll cover tried-and-true basics like piggy banks and saving for rainy days, and then explore the really excellent capitalist innovations of our time: credit cards for college students and free toaster ovens with new checking accounts.

BIO 1260

(CCV)

This is presumably about other people's brushes with the Grim Reaper and will not require trying it personally. Kinda creepy, but I'm game -- it's good to be informed, right? Wonder if that guy who nearly tanked at Justin's kegger last year will speak in class?

(University of Vermont)

I know it sounds dumb, but I was born and raised in the city, and I need a little help with, you know, the landscape. I've got Camel's Hump down, but where's Mt. Mansfield, and which lodge has the cheapest beer? And, OK, the black-and-white cows are Ben & Jerry's, but what about those brown ones? Finally, foliage is totally pretty and everything, but where do you people put all those leaves after they fall off the trees?

(St. Michael's College)

Some people I know? They can be, like, so in your face? I told this one dude the other day I could see his tonsils and he just kept standing there like he didn't get it. Hello? I want to learn how to deal with people who have no concept of personal space, you know? Without being a total bitch? Hope the class isn't too crowded -- if I get another mouth-breather sitting behind me I'm going to scream.

(University of Vermont)

This is the career stepping-stone I've been looking for. I've always wanted to be one of those people who smell things for a living. How cool is that -- you just basically have to inhale all day. Oh, sure, you have to identify things authoritatively, but that's gotta be cake. I figure I'll start out with some entry-level gig that pays you to tell if cheeses are too stinky for the American market, then work my way up to baked goods. Eventually, I plan to develop my own all-chocolate aromatherapy line.

HARC 0409

(Middlebury College)

Oh, the theory behind museums is fine: You go to some big art show, you expect to feel like a better person for it -- more highbrow or whatever. But in practice, what happens? First you wait in line like it was effin' Shea Stadium, then you shuffle through the show at a bovine pace determined by the people who got the audio, and spend about 27 seconds on each painting. And all the while you're scrutinized by guards who act like Homeland Security officers on orange alert. It's humiliating, really -- even if they're not armed. My paper for this class will propose a better way to become an art snob. Hint: It will involve virtual reality.

EDEL 270

(University of Vermont)

My mom always says I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached. (She doesn't know that I have, in fact, lost it on a number of occasions.) So I figure I might as well go back to square one and learn how to neatly stow my crayons, hang up my jacket and throw my chocolate milk carton in the actual trash can. How will I ever make it through college if I can't... oh, wait, did I send in that application? Anyway, I'm hoping to be ready for the much more rigorous PHYS 0104 CHAOS, COMPLEXITY & SELF-ORGANIZATION (Middlebury College) next year. I've already bought some hangers!

(University of Vermont)

I'm hoping this class will attract those types whose management style is basically: "Move it, asshole -- this is my turf!" There's got to be a more civilized way to convey the notion of private property. For starters, we'll change our "Keep Off the Grass" signs to "Keep Off the Grass, Please." The main text for the class will be Turf War... and Peace. Extra credit for learning how to share.

PHYS 0155

(Middlebury College)

Hello, Mars. Hello, Pluto. Hello, Saturn -- love your rings! Hello, your, er, Uranus. Hello, Black Hole. Hey, Big Dipper, wassup? Yo, Alpha Centauri! Hello, Sirius. Boy, this could go on forever.