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Hard Up 

Mistress Maeve: Your guide to love and lust...

Dear Mistress,

I’m not sure if you’ll be able to help me, but I desperately need some advice. I’ve recently been doing nude modeling for an art class, and midway through class last night, I “stood at attention.” It’s incredibly unprofessional, and I’m sure no one signed up to see that! I’m really worried it will happen again. Is there any cream or any advice that could keep it down? Please help if you can.


Hard Up

Dear Hard Up,

What happened when you got an erection? Did the students drop their pencils and cry out in horror? Did the instructor immediately stop class and ask you to leave? I’m betting neither of these things happened because, frankly, getting wood whilst posing nude in front of an audience is completely natural.

If you Google any variation of “posing nude for art class with erection,” you’ll find countless anecdotes from male models about getting boners during class. In most stories, the students simply ignore the chubby and get down to the business of drawing. Very few stories end with a model getting fired for sporting a stiffy. In a funnier tale, a male model recalls hearing the unmistakable sound of the entire class erasing his soft penis, apparently finding it more interesting to draw his newly erected phallus.

That said, you’re right: Flaunting a boner in front of the class isn’t the most professional behavior. However, just because you got hard once, doesn’t mean you’ll get hard again. Try doing multiplication tables in your head as you pose, or recount the last three innings of last year’s World Series. If that doesn’t work, I’m afraid there’s no “cream” to help you. Worst case scenario: If you continue to “stand at attention” during class, the instructor may not invite you back — worse things have happened.



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Mistress Maeve

Mistress Maeve

Mistress Maeve wrote a weekly advice column on love and lust from September 2007 until January 2014.


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