Hatin' with the Phelpses- part 4 | News | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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Hatin' with the Phelpses- part 4 

11:15 a.m.- After a rousing chorus of Happy Birthday outside of OZ Synagogue- "Happy Birthday to Kennedy's death, Happy Birthday to Kennedy's death, the Jews lost their favorite waterboy, Happy Birthday to Kennedy's death"- the Phelpses piled into their sweet Kia Sedona and hightailed it out of town. Please indulge me in a few observations:

1. The Phelpses (and I say Phelpses because there wasn't a one of them who wasn't part of the clan. They like to keep in the fam, nomsayin?) are nothing if not law-abiding. There's not a jaywalker among them. They hit every crosswalk and followed every directive they're given by police. When they were told to stand in the greenbelt outside of Chabad, goshdarnit, they stood in the greenbelt. I bet they even drive the speed limit.

2. The Phelpses are really fast walkers. Shirls is a powerhouse. She could go to the Hate Olympics for speedwalking.

3. The Phelpses are really bad singers. No, like REALLY bad. Like braying donkey bad.

4. The Phelpses are not nice. Despite appearances, they're actually pretty mean. Shirls told me I didn't look like a professional journalist. Ok, what part of my jeans, T-shirt, sneaker outfit made me look unprofessional?

5. The Phelpses don't really have their facts straight. Shirls called Seven Days a "fag paper," which I take exception to since neither of the female owners of the paper are fags. They're not even dykes.  WTF!!! Factcheck, Shirls, before you make outrageous claims like that.

Oh, how I love college kids.


Nothin' says get the hell out of our state like a little pie in the face.

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Lauren Ober

Lauren Ober

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Lauren Ober was a Seven Days staff writer from 2009-2011.

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