How Can I Suggest New Things to Do in Bed With My Husband? | Ask Athena | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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How Can I Suggest New Things to Do in Bed With My Husband? 

Published November 12, 2014 at 10:00 a.m.

Dear Athena,

How should I go about suggesting new things to do in bed with my husband? I am curious about some things, but I have no clue how to go about it. I've thought about sending him links to some stories that have turned me on, but I don't want him to think I'm weird.


Nervously Naughty

Dear Nervously Naughty,

I think it's great that you're interested in developing your sexual spirit. While I wish I had more information about what you want to try, I understand your reservations about sharing these desires — with me and with your husband. But keeping your sexual goals secret won't bring you closer to achieving them.

Everyone's sexual appetite is unique. We're all turned on or off by different things, and our tastes change over time. Maybe you want to spice things up after years of marriage, or perhaps you are finally ready to introduce your personal curiosity into your sex life. Being adventurous in the bedroom is a great way to keep the fire burning in long-term relationships.

As long as what you want to try isn't illegal or harmful, don't be so nervous about your husband judging you. He did marry you, after all; give him some credit. He loves and respects you, so he should be open to your needs. And the suggestion is likely to excite him.

Getting what you want is all about how you frame it. If you spring a request on him without any prior conversation or warm-up, he may think you're sexually dissatisfied or no longer attracted to him. If he feels judged or self-conscious, it will be more challenging to get him to explore with you.

Instead, be open and reassuring. Tell him you're curious about certain things that turn you on, and would like to do some exploring with him. Invite him to share something he fantasizes about. You never know unless you ask!

After you've talked, start small. Does bondage intrigue you, for example? Try some gentle restraint first. You can gradually experiment with whatever appeals to both of you. Invite him into the "research phase" of your newfound curiosity, and he'll feel that you're embarking on this adventure together.

Being married takes work, communication and a desire to evolve together — in and out of the bedroom. Take this first step, and give your husband the chance to surprise you. He might just make your wildest fantasies come true.



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