I Got Aroused Carving a Pumpkin | Ask the Rev. | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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I Got Aroused Carving a Pumpkin 

Published October 23, 2019 at 10:00 a.m.

Dear Reverend, 

I was carving a pumpkin the other day and found myself unusually aroused. Before extracting the guts, I made a hole on the side and went to pumpkin pound town. Needless to say, I did not roast the seeds. I've never done anything like that before. Am I a weirdo?

Happy Halloweenie (male, 23)

Dear Happy Halloweenie,

You may or may not be a weirdo — I can't make that call. But judging by the amount of food masturbation porn you can find with a quick search online, you are certainly not alone. People getting it on with food have turned up in a handful of mainstream movies, as well. Remember the teenage guy sticking it to a pie in the aptly named American Pie?

Human beings are an industrious bunch of dirty birds, and we've found ways to masturbate with all manner of food. Melons, cucumbers, peaches, bananas, grapefruit, coconuts, sweet potatoes — you name it, and it's been in, on or around genitals. Since there's no issue of consent with fruits and vegetables, I say have at it to your heart's delight, but please use a little common sense and caution.

Anything you are going to put around your privates needs to be clean, so be sure to wash your fun foods. You also might want to avoid anything sharp, pointy or highly acidic. It should go without saying that you shouldn't mess around with anything to which you're allergic. Some people have a terrible reaction to pumpkin innards that can result in an itchy rash or hives. Thank goodness your Jack-Off-o'-lantern didn't turn into a my-dick-is-falling-off run to the emergency room.

Good luck and God bless,

The Reverend

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The Reverend

What's your problem? Need some irreverent counsel on life's conundrums? You can always just "Ask the Rev."


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