I Think My Dog Watches Me Masturbate | Ask the Rev. | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

Seven Days needs your support!

I Think My Dog Watches Me Masturbate 

Published April 6, 2022 at 10:00 a.m. | Updated April 6, 2022 at 10:07 a.m.

click to enlarge ID 155822023 © BLUEDARKAT | DREAMSTIME
  • ID 155822023 © Bluedarkat | Dreamstime

Dear Reverend,

I live alone and, like most healthy people, masturbate frequently. Typically, I'm in my bedroom and I close the blinds for privacy, but I'm still visible to someone: my dog. He's usually busy with other things, but sometimes I feel like he's watching me, which is quite disconcerting. Does he know what I'm up to? I assume he's not offended, but I don't want to confuse him. I've started putting him in the guest room while I take care of business. Is this weird?

Kay Nein (nonbinary, 34)

Dear Kay Nein,

Besides the time I was in diapers, I have never pooped in close proximity to another human being. My cats, however, can come in the bathroom and hang out with me while I'm doing it, and I couldn't care less. I'll also get naked in front of them without skipping a beat. They don't judge what I'm doing or how I look. As long as I feed them on time, we're cool.

Feeling weird about doin' your thing around another creature is due to pesky human hang-ups like shame and secrecy. Other animals don't play those games. Most animals masturbate in one way or another, but I'm pretty sure humans are the only ones who hide it — except for some exhibitionists, I suppose.

Humans emit pheromones when having sex or masturbating, and dogs have a fantastic sense of smell, so I'm sure your dog can sense that something is up. Even so, I can't imagine he thinks it's any different from all of the other bizarre human activities you do, like boiling water or staring at a computer screen.

If it makes you feel better not to have him in the room with you, I'm sure he won't take offense. Just give him some treats to enjoy and close your door while you enjoy treating yourself.

Good luck and God bless,

The Reverend

Fill out my online form.
Got something to say? Send a letter to the editor and we'll publish your feedback in print!

More By This Author

About The Author

The Reverend

What's your problem? Need some irreverent counsel on life's conundrums? You can always just "Ask the Rev."


Comments are closed.

From 2014-2020, Seven Days allowed readers to comment on all stories posted on our website. While we've appreciated the suggestions and insights, right now Seven Days is prioritizing our core mission — producing high-quality, responsible local journalism — over moderating online debates between readers.

To criticize, correct or praise our reporting, please send us a letter to the editor or send us a tip. We’ll check it out and report the results.

Online comments may return when we have better tech tools for managing them. Thanks for reading.

Latest in Ask the Rev.

Keep up with us Seven Days a week!

Sign up for our fun and informative

All content © 2023 Da Capo Publishing, Inc. 255 So. Champlain St. Ste. 5, Burlington, VT 05401

Advertising Policy  |  Privacy Policy  |  Contact Us  |  About Us  |  Help
Website powered by Foundation