Scarlett Letters: I'm Attracted to This Guy, but I'm Still a Virgin | Scarlett Letters | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice
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Scarlett Letters: I'm Attracted to This Guy, but I'm Still a Virgin 

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Dear Scarlett,

I like this guy, but we live in different countries. I see him twice a year, but there's another problem: He's my friend's brother. I've known the family since I was 4, and he is almost three and a half years older. I saw him last in the summer, but we've texted since. He kept nagging me to kiss him this coming summer, and I really want to, but I'm scared. Today he texted me, hungover, saying he wants to have sex. That's a big step, and I'm still a virgin.

I've never kissed anyone, besides a peck on the lips at age 12. I'm attracted to him, even though I don't like the idea of a summer fling, as I'll get emotionally attached. I want to have sex with him, but not for my first time. I'm worried my friend will find out and be mad, as will my protective older brother (who's friends with this guy).

I'm hoping when I'm older to move to where he is anyway — not because of him, BTW! I'd maybe give it a go when I'm older, but for now, what do I do?

Signed,

Scared About Sex

(female, 20)

Dear Scared,

Having sex for the first time is a big step, and you should have that experience with someone who respects and honors you. This decision is not just about what to do right now. It is about your future and what kind of person you want to be.

Go with your instincts. You have a lot of reservations about having sex with this guy, and they all make good sense. You've even said you don't want him to be your "first."

To me, he sounds kind of pushy and inattentive. When he brought up sex and nagged you for a kiss, did he ask what you wanted? Is he worried about complicating your other relationships — like the ones with your friend and your brother? You say you're attracted to him, but how much do you really like this guy? Do you trust him?

The next time he mentions sex, tell him straight up that you're not ready for it and see how he reacts. Set boundaries and see if he pushes them. Is he respectful, or does he pressure you? Does he seem more concerned with his own desires than with yours?

Whether you're having sex for the first time or 50th, you deserve to be with someone who treats you well. You should never have sex if you don't want to, and you should never do it just to please someone else.

When you're really ready, you may still have some reservations — that's natural. But you'll also feel happy and excited, not worried and scared!

Love,

Scarlett


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