I'm Engaged But Miss My Ex-Fiancé | Ask Athena | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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I'm Engaged But Miss My Ex-Fiancé 

Published April 6, 2016 at 10:00 a.m. | Updated April 12, 2016 at 2:21 p.m.

Dear Athena,

I have been in a relationship for a year and a half, and we are going to be getting married in a year or two. I love him dearly. But there are times when I miss my ex-fiancé. We broke up on very bad terms. The love I had for him was something I had never felt before. I've been trying to move on for a while now, but I still care for him and talk to him once in a great while. But it brings me pain. I want to be happy in my new life, but it seems to be getting harder. I would love some advice.


Mixed Emotions

Dear Mixed Emotions,

"Breaking up is hard to do" isn't just a lyric in an old Neil Sedaka song. That is some real shit you experienced. Getting over someone is tough, especially if the ex is a person with whom you'd imagined spending your life. It's been said that getting over a breakup can take as long as the relationship itself, but I hope that's not true. Who has time for that? Still, there must be a reason you two ended it, and it sounds to me like you need to accept it.

Also, don't you think you should have resolved your feelings before you accepted fiancé No. 2's proposal?

When things end badly and leave you longing for closure, the energy you should have spent moving on gets co-opted by all the unfinished business. So whatever you didn't do then, you have to do now. You've got to get out of this limbo.

More urgent is the matter of your present fiancé. Even though you want to get over your ex, I'm not sure you're ready to make someone else your No. 1 just yet. If you're still thinking about your old flame, that's not fair to the new guy. The longer you're conflicted, the worse it will be for both of you.

If you're unable to resolve your feelings right now, tell your current fiancé that you love him but you're feeling mixed up and need time to sort things out. If he's really meant to be the One, he'll still be there when you're ready. But don't make him wait too long.

You've gotten engaged twice now, so apparently you want to be married and share your life with someone. But consider what you want that marriage to look like. Have you talked with your current fiancé about this? Do you have the same vision of a life together? Make sure you know what each of you wants. Only then can you move forward.



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