I've Been Married Six Years, and My Wife Is Never 'in the Mood' | Ask Athena | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

Seven Days needs your financial support!

I've Been Married Six Years, and My Wife Is Never 'in the Mood' 

Published February 4, 2015 at 10:00 a.m.

Dear Athena,

I've been married six years, and things in the bedroom are a disaster. My wife is 40 and I'm 33, and she's no fun: no oral giving or receiving, won't try anal and is never in the mood. When we do have sex — once every week and a half or two weeks — the sex is boring and repetitive. I thought it got better with age, and I find myself lost for answers. What do I do?

Out of Ideas and Suffering

Dear Suffering,

I hear a lot of distress and complaining in your letter, but you haven't said what you've done to try to fix this. When was the last time you took your wife on a date? Told her she was beautiful? Showed her how much you need and love her?

Relationships take tending to. If you don't act soon, this sexual divide will grow and your marriage will suffer. In fact, it seems that yours already has. You sound bitter, and that has to go. The angrier or more resentful you become, the harder it will be to get close to your wife again and liven up your bedroom routine.

Have you asked how she feels about your sex life? Maybe she's dissatisfied, too. Even if she's content, I'd be surprised if she hasn't picked up on your disappointment. Things aren't going to get better until you talk. So talk. Pronto.

From what you've said, she may also be feeling less than giddy about getting it on these days. Prepare yourself to hear that, and try not to let it hurt your ego; you can't grow closer by pushing her away.

I'm guessing you both have more stress and responsibility in your lives than you used to. The daily grind can really get in the way of sexy time. The good news? You can work together to make things hot again.

Think back to when you were dating. What used to turn her on? Revisit that, and re-create those steamy early encounters. In the beginning of relationships, we go to such great lengths to seduce our partners and secure their love. It's important to continue doing so in marriage.

It may also be time to revise some of your ideas of intimacy. If she's simply not feeling oral or anal right now, get physical in other ways. Next time you're in bed together, get completely naked — not for sex, but just to feel her body next to yours. Hold her close and go to sleep. Or try going for a sweaty run with her and bathing together when you get home. After dinner sometime soon, turn on your favorite music and dance with her in the living room. Getting close, physically and emotionally, is such a turn-on.

Most importantly, get off the "woe is me" train and take action. You owe it to yourself and your Mrs. to make this right, through sickness and health, good times and bad. Get creative. Get romantic. Open up.



Got something to say? Send a letter to the editor and we'll publish your feedback in print!


Comments are closed.

Since 2014, Seven Days has allowed readers to comment on all stories posted on our website. While we’ve appreciated the suggestions and insights, the time has come to shut them down — at least temporarily.

While we champion free speech, facts are a matter of life and death during the coronavirus pandemic, and right now Seven Days is prioritizing the production of responsible journalism over moderating online debates between readers.

To criticize, correct or praise our reporting, please send us a letter to the editor. Or send us a tip. We’ll check it out and report the results.

Online comments may return when we have better tech tools for managing them. Thanks for reading.

Keep up with us Seven Days a week!

Sign up for our fun and informative

All content © 2022 Da Capo Publishing, Inc. 255 So. Champlain St. Ste. 5, Burlington, VT 05401

Advertising Policy  |  Privacy Policy  |  Contact Us  |  About Us  |  Help
Website powered by Foundation