My Girlfriend Wants to Do a Foursome and I'm Nervous | Ask Athena | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

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My Girlfriend Wants to Do a Foursome and I'm Nervous 

Published January 13, 2016 at 10:00 a.m. | Updated January 14, 2016 at 9:06 a.m.

Dear Athena,

I'm a lesbian living with my girlfriend. We've been together for a few years, and things are good. Over the holidays, one of her closest friends visited us with her wife. They just got married last summer. We are all close. One night during their visit, they asked us if we could all have a foursome. I was so surprised. I'm not a prude, but I was shocked. We sort of talked about it, but I was too nervous in the end. My girlfriend was into it. I kind of want to do it when we see them again, but I'm still nervous. What should I do to not be scared?


Foursome Fear

Dear Foursome Fear,

There's a difference between being a little nervous and being scared. Is your stomach full of butterflies in anticipation of what could be a really fun and wild night of intimacy? Are you shy about sharing your body with people you'll continue to know platonically? Or are you outright afraid of how a foursome could change your happy dynamic with all involved?

You can overcome shyness and transform nervousness into excitement, but fear is something you shouldn't ignore. You won't enjoy fulfilling group sex until you understand your feelings, so let's get to the bottom of this.

What is your relationship with your girlfriend like? Are you usually adventurous in the bedroom? Are you both confident that jealousy or insecurity won't haunt you when the lights go on? Is this a one-time thing, or will it lead to more — and what would that mean for you as a couple? How will this affect your girlfriend's longtime relationship with her friend? And, though the goal is to share a sexy, intimate encounter, what happens if it's simply not fun?

Clearly, you and your girlfriend have a lot to consider. Be realistic and acknowledge that this could stir up a lot of baggage. But if you communicate openly and are prepared to face the potential consequences together, there's no reason you can't experiment. It may even bring you closer.

If you both decide this is something you want to try, set parameters. What are your limits? Do you need a no-judgment safe word? Create mutual boundaries so that, afterward, you can remain on the same team. Your needs as a couple come first. Then, loop in the others so you're all on the same page.

As for the actual event, my advice is simple: Just try to enjoy it! Do whatever you need to feel at ease, even if that means beginning by simply kissing your girlfriend. Think, too, about where the party will take place. Having it at your house might be familiar and comfortable, whereas going elsewhere might encourage a feeling of intrigue and adventure. After all, that's what this is: a daring adventure.



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