My Wife and I Are Interested in Finding Swingers 

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Dear Scarlett,

My wife and I are interested in learning more about swingers in Vermont. We are brand-new to this and are trying to figure out how to meet people (socially first, to see if there is interest). We live in Woodstock, so New Hampshire clubs/groups might also be helpful.

Signed,

More the Merrier(male, 48)

Dear More the Merrier,

Many large urban areas have nightclubs for swinging and/or BDSM. Swingers in low-population places like Vermont, however, often must rely on the internet to find local mixers and like-minded couples.

There are plenty of swinger-specific online dating sites. Check out True Swingers, Lifestyle Lounge, Swingular, Swing Lifestyles and others. There you can post ads and peruse other couples' profiles. You might also connect with veteran swingers to get advice on dos and don'ts.

Before posting your sexy profile online, discuss with your wife your desires as well as your limits, if you haven't already. Swinging requires trust and communication, and there are risks to opening your relationship in this way — so make sure you're on the same page.

Set ground rules. Know what you're looking for in terms of what kind of sex you are pursuing, and be ready to communicate that to other couples. What's free game, and what's off-limits? Are you bisexual? Into role-playing? What about submission/domination? Do you want to go "soft swap" (everything but sex) or "full swap"? If attending a mixer, must both couples be in the same room when swapping partners? If one of you wants to leave, can the other stay behind?

Some couples try swinging because one of them wants to sleep around or together they hope to spice up a sex life that's soured. Don't swing just to please your partner or think that it's OK for her do the same. It won't resolve flaws in your relationship; more likely, it will exacerbate them.

But if you've talked it through and are both on board, post an ad and swing for the fences!

Love,

Scarlett