Second Childhood | Hackie | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice
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Second Childhood 

When I went out to drive last Saturday night, I discovered a fat pen on the backseat, left by a previous night's customer. I had no idea why it was so chubby, so I began to fiddle with it.

Towards the top was a little button. Ah-ha. When I pushed it a sharp, tiny red dot appeared on the dashboard. Well, ain't this cool, I thought to myself. I began to point the dot all over the place in the car, and then noticed that it's range was a good 50 feet; I could place the dot on buildings on the street, even into the front rooms through the windows. I thought, this is gonna be fun.

Idling downtown in front of Nectars, I noticed a group of friends sitting around a table by the front of the bar. I placed the dot on the forehead of one of the girls, a la a Hindu woman. Immediately, there was commotion at the table as all of them glanced around trying to figure out what was up. The moment one of them glanced outside, I looked down and away - lah di dah, lah di dah. I waited a couple of minutes and did it again. Same result. I had to cover my mouth with my hand because I was laughing my ass off.

Next I pulled in front of RJ's next to the Flynn Theater, and pulled the routine on people dawdling on the sidewalk. The key, I was finding out, was to move the dot around for a few seconds and then stop, so they couldn't detect where it was coming from. I was laughing so hard I had to pee. It was addicting. Never mind that I was acting like an obnoxious eleven year-old.

I played with my new toy all night, even passing it to interested customers and letting them try it out.

The next day my brother told me that the thing was actually a small laser, and I could have done serious eye damage to my victims.

Oh, well - playtime is over.

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About The Author

Jernigan Pontiac

Jernigan Pontiac

Jernigan Pontiac is a Burlington cab driver whose biweekly "Hackie" column has been appearing in Seven Days since 2000. He has published two book-length collections, Hackie: Cab Driving and Life, and Hackie 2: Perfect Autumn.


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