She's Got an Open Relationship, but I'm Falling in Love | Ask the Rev. | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice
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She's Got an Open Relationship, but I'm Falling in Love 

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Dear Reverend, 

On our second date, this woman told me that she had a boyfriend, but they had an open relationship or were polyamorous. I don't remember exactly what she said, but they had sex with other people. I was cool with it at first, but we've been seeing each other for about eight months now, and it's turned into more than just a sexual relationship. We spend a lot of time together, and I even went to her parents' house for Thanksgiving. I think I'm falling in love with this chick. What do I do?

Three's Crowded (male, 33)

Dear Three's Crowded,

Open relationships and polyamory aren't exactly the same thing. An open relationship is usually one in which both partners agree that they can each have sexual relations with other people as long as they don't develop serious emotional attachments. Polyamory involves more than sex. It's about having intimate, loving relationships with more than one person at a time. Your lady friend might fall into the latter category, but it's hard sayin' not knowin'.

Monogamy, polyamory, whatever-floats-your-boat-amory — all options are fantastic, but only if everyone involved is happy. It's apparent that you're uncomfortable being with someone who is dating another person, and you'd prefer to be her one and only. You've already invested eight months into this relationship. The longer it stays as it is, the worse you're going to feel. Something's got to give.

It's high time you throw your cards on the table and tell this woman how you feel about her and the situation. If she wants to continue her relationship with Boyfriend A, you should cut your losses and move on. I could be crazy, but the fact that she invited you to Thanksgiving rather than him makes me wonder if she might be interested in moving on with you.

Good luck and God bless,

The Reverend

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