The Garden of Earthly Delights | Mistress Maeve | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice

Seven Days needs your financial support!

The Garden of Earthly Delights 

Mistress Maeve: Your guide to love and lust...

Dear Mistress Maeve,

My husband is an avid gardener, and I’ve reaped many benefits from his bountiful harvests over the years. This summer, he expressed interest in me getting my vegetables in a new way; rather than preparing meals with his veggies, he wants to use them on me sexually. We have always had a wonderful sex life (we’ve been together over 15 years and still make love regularly). I want nothing more than to please him, but I’m a little concerned about the safety of using vegetables — is thoroughly cleaning cucumbers and carrots enough before using them on me?


Mrs. McGregor

Dear Mrs. McGregor,

Kudos to you and your farmer! It’s not always easy to keep a sex life interesting after 15 years, but it sounds like you’ve found ways to keep things spicy — just be careful things don’t get too spicy, in the literal sense. When it comes to using produce in the bedroom, make sure to weed out any irritants; ginger, mint and various other herbs grown in the garden can aggravate the sensitive tissue of the vulva or anus. (Unless you’re into that kind of thing — in which case, Google “how to use ginger for sexual play.”)

If done thoughtfully and safely, inserting vegetables into your openings can be as satisfying as eating them. The first order of business is choosing the best piece of produce for the job. When possible, choose a veggie that has grown a natural base. Most dildos are created with one wide end to ensure they don’t get lost in the body — I would hate to see you rushed to the ER with a zucchini stuck where the sun don’t shine. If none of your garden’s spoils has a natural base, choose one that’s large enough not to be lost (but not so large that it’s uncomfortable). Just as you do before eating them, wash your veggies thoroughly before play to remove any excess dirt (or pesticides that may be lingering on store-bought items). Even though you washed it, still use a condom to cover the implement before inserting. The condom will protect you should the vegetable snap during vigorous play, and it will help smooth any rough edges for easy insertion. And, please, don’t forget the lube!

Eating her veggies,


Got something to say? Send a letter to the editor and we'll publish your feedback in print!

More By This Author

About The Author

Mistress Maeve

Mistress Maeve

Mistress Maeve wrote a weekly advice column on love and lust from September 2007 until January 2014.


Comments are closed.

Since 2014, Seven Days has allowed readers to comment on all stories posted on our website. While we’ve appreciated the suggestions and insights, the time has come to shut them down — at least temporarily.

While we champion free speech, facts are a matter of life and death during the coronavirus pandemic, and right now Seven Days is prioritizing the production of responsible journalism over moderating online debates between readers.

To criticize, correct or praise our reporting, please send us a letter to the editor. Or send us a tip. We’ll check it out and report the results.

Online comments may return when we have better tech tools for managing them. Thanks for reading.

Latest in Category

Keep up with us Seven Days a week!

Sign up for our fun and informative

All content © 2021 Da Capo Publishing, Inc. 255 So. Champlain St. Ste. 5, Burlington, VT 05401
Advertising Policy  |  Contact Us
Website powered by Foundation