VT: Not the Most Porntastic State in the Union | News | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice
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VT: Not the Most Porntastic State in the Union 

Man, do we love our lists here in the U.S. There's a list for everything — the hottest men, the most expensive properties, the ugliest babies, etc. In Vermont, we have the (dubious) honor of being named to just about every list ever published.

 

The photo at the right is what a list looks like.

Nation's fittest city? Check. It's Burlington. Best outdoor towns? Check. We've got four of them. Best adventure towns? Check. We can claim three of those as well. Most healthy state? Check. It's Vermont. Highest percentage of stoners? Super check. Vermont can toke with the best of them. No really, that's a real list.

Heck, we even made it onto National Geographic Traveler's survey of iconic places. There we came in at #78, in between Ancient Kyoto, Japan, and Slovenia. Depending on how you read the list (I couldn't make heads or tails of it), we're way more awesome than the Bavarian Alps in Germany and the entire country of Wales.

Need some more listicles? The City of Burlington has been collecting the accolades it's garnered since Jesus walked the Earth. Burlington is one of the "best walking cities," "prettiest towns," "greenest cities" and "gayest places on the planet."

But here's one list we're not on: the top U.S. states for online pornography.

It turns out that we're too busy being fit and healthy and outdoorsy and adventurous and stoned to sit in front of our computers with one hand on the mouse and the other hand fiddling in the middle. No, for this designation, we were eclipsed by just about every other state. In fact, no New England state made the cut.

The study was recently published in the Journal of Economic Perspectives and reported by CNBC, whose motto is "let no list go uncovered." The study was based on the number of porn subscriptions per 1000 broadband users. Well, that disqualifies us right there — we don't have broadband in this state. If we did, I'm sure we'd be clicking and diddling with the best of them.

Here are the winners:

10. West Virginia
Tie- 8. Florida
Tie- 8. Louisiana
7. North Dakota
6. Arkansas
5. Oklahoma
4. Hawaii
3. Mississippi
2. Alaska

And the number-one state for online porn consumption is................... UTAH!

***

Apparently those naughty little Mormons in the Beehive State are a randy lot. Of the 996,589 broadband users, 5451 of them subscribe to sites such as Round and Brown, Muffia and, my personal favorite, Red Head Smut, which is different than Red Headed Slut, a filthy Jager/schnapps combo. And no, I'm not going to link to those other sites. I don't need the spam. But if you're curious, I'm sure you can find them, you dirty kids.

Why are we lagging, besides the fact that we're about as wired as the Mongolian Steppe? Is it that we're still into getting our jollies off, beta-style, with actual real humans? So passé.

This latest list has left me feeling inadequate. I'm working my mouse like a magic wand, doing my part to get us on that porn list, so why can't the rest of you pull your weight and get behind me on this? Let no list go un-Vermonted, my fellow citizens. I don't want to be beaten by Utahans. It's undignified. "Best outdoor town" I can handle. "Least pervy state" is just embarrassing. So get to clicking.

*** How amazing is this graphic? And how about that cubic zirconia choker? Stunning.

 

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About The Author

Lauren Ober

Lauren Ober

Bio:
Lauren Ober was a Seven Days staff writer from 2009-2011.

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