What's the Worst That Can Happen If I Hold in My Farts? | Ask the Rev. | Seven Days | Vermont's Independent Voice
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What's the Worst That Can Happen If I Hold in My Farts? 

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Dear Reverend, 

I don't know quite how to put this politely, but ... I fart. A lot. I've been dating a guy for about a month and a half now, and I'm really worried that I'm going to let one fly in front of him. On the other hand, I'm concerned about keeping all this gas inside. What's the worst that can happen if you hold it in?

Tootie Patootie (female, 26)

Dear Tootie Patootie,

The worst thing that can happen is that you'll explode and die.

Just kidding. That won't happen. But if you habitually keep the back-door-trap-door shut, the gas your body produces can be reabsorbed, and it may possibly come out of — get this — your mouth! I'm not kidding about that. You could wind up with terribly stinky breath.

I firmly believe that a well-timed fart among friends can be nothing short of hilarious. An accidental explosion with new beau, however, is another story.

I imagine that you don't regularly go blasting 'em off during work meetings or dinner parties, but being around your spoogie can add extra nervousness that may make them seem harder to contain. Don't fret. Just act natural. When you feel a fart a-brewin', simply excuse yourself to the bathroom or down the hall and let 'er rip. As quietly as possible, of course.

The average human being off-gasses between five and 15 times a day. More than that may be considered a bit excessive. Do you have any idea why you're so windy? If not, I'd suggest that it's time to make a date with your doctor to get to the bottom of the problem. You may easily be able to quiet the horn section down below by making some simple changes to your diet and lifestyle.

Good luck and God bless,

The Reverend

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