Dear Reverend,
I recently started seeing a 30-year-old woman whom I like. I'm 50, and she has expressed thinking I'm so much older than her, like it was bothering her even though at first it didn't seem to be an issue. Should I break it off now before I get more attached, because it will break us up anyway? Or is this something that she may decide doesn't matter because she likes me enough? I have no children, but I do want one or two, so I will need to find a woman around 35 or younger to do this without taking a big risk on the health of the child. What advice can you give me?
Father Time (man, 50)
Dear Father Time,
I've never thought it was a great idea to date someone old enough to be your parent or young enough to be your child. A 20-year age gap certainly meets that criteria for me, but there are absolutely couples who have been able to make it work.
You say you just recently started seeing this woman, so it seems a little early to throw in the towel. If she has mentioned that the age difference is an issue for her, you need to discuss it further and find out if it's really a barrier to the growth of your relationship. More importantly, do you know how she feels about having children? Not everybody wants 'em.
Using a woman's optimal childbearing age as a filter for finding a partner seems a little animal-husbandry-ish to me. You aren't scoring any romantic points there. Not to mention that women over 35 have babies all the time. My mother had me when she was 41 — a long time ago — and I'm fine and dandy.
Have you thought about your ability to father a child at an advanced age? Although it's possible for a man to remain fertile into his later years, sperm quality and motility gradually decline after age 25. DNA in aging sperm can start to deteriorate after 40. You might want to talk to your doctor before you go looking for a baby mama.
I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but finding the woman who wants to have children with you can take time. If you are truly yearning to be a father now, you may want to explore options for making it happen on your own, like foster care or adoption.
Good luck and God bless,
The Reverend