Dear Reverend,
I’m still in love with my husband but have been unhappy in the relationship for a very long time. He has no sex drive or desire and spends his spare time viewing porn. I haven’t had sex for 10-plus years. We don’t sleep in the same bed, and I feel slighted and have lost hope. Thirty-seven years of work to end up lonely and isolated at age 70. I would love a companion to talk to and confide in outside of my inner circle. I’m very proud and private, so I don’t easily reveal my deepest thoughts. My husband is good for about 10 sentences a day, then zones off into the electronic abyss. Is it possible to find other lonely souls out there feeling undesired but stuck?
Unhappily Ever (woman, 70)
Dear Unhappily Ever,
If your husband is spending his spare time viewing porn, it seems that he must still have some interest in sex, but it’s being misdirected. There’s a lot to unpack there, but this is about you and how you’re feeling.
A sexless marriage isn’t necessarily the worst thing in the world — as long as you’re getting satisfaction from other aspects of the relationship. But it sounds like you aren’t getting any kind of love from your husband, and that’s just not OK. Since this problem has been going on for so long, I’m assuming that you have tried to talk to him about these issues, but it hasn’t really gotten you anywhere. That’s gotta change.
I would hope that you have a close friend or family member with whom you could broach this subject, but I understand where you’re coming from. I’m not a big fan of discussing personal topics either. I like to blame it on being raised as an Irish Catholic. However, it doesn’t do anybody any good to let problems fester. We all need help sometimes, and there’s no shame in reaching out to get some.
You need to find a place where you can feel safe talking openly about your relationship. If you would prefer to remain anonymous, search online for support groups for people in unhappy marriages. To be honest, I think you would really benefit from some professional counseling. These days you can find a therapist whom you never even have to meet face-to-face. Take a look at sites like mdlive.com, talkspace.com or betterhelp.com to get started.
Let’s face it: You’re not getting any younger. Do you want to spend your remaining years unhappy? You say you still love your husband, but do you really? Perhaps you’ve just become accustomed to your situation. You need to get unstuck — and if your husband won’t come along for the ride, then it might be time to think about starting a new chapter without him.
Good luck and God bless,
The Reverend
This article appears in Love & Marriage Issue 2024.
