Vice President Mike Pence’s Vermont vacation was cut short after a harrowing restroom mishap in his Lake Hortonia vacation rental.
The future president demanded his family be immediately escorted back to Washington after he discovered that the bathrooms in the charming 1865 farmhouse were not clearly designated by gender.
“The vice president is absolutely livid, not just with the homeowners but also with Airbnb for not requiring its hosts to clearly label their bathrooms as male or female,” said his personal assistant, Praise Gaisaway. “Mr. Pence certainly would not wish the trauma he has experienced today on anyone.”
According to Gaisaway, Vice President Pence had been drinking the tears of separated migrant families for the entire duration of his flight to Burlington in order to stay hydrated.
“Mr. Pence was politely ‘holding it’ for close to an hour so he could relieve himself in the privacy of his vacation rental — with no one there to see but our Lord and Savior,” she said.
Pence was reportedly in such a rush to empty his cloaca that he barged into the lake house’s first-floor restroom before he could ensure that it was, in fact, the men’s room.
After hearing a series of ear-piercing shrieks, bodyguards were able to barge into the gender-neutral bathroom to find a pale-faced Pence shaking on the floor.
“You might assume people lock doors, or knock before entering a restroom, but, in this day and age, you never know,” said secret serviceman Chester Hedshot. “There could have been anyone in that bathroom, and I don’t think most people will realize just how close our vice president came to being in a room with a woman without the supervision of his wife.
“If nothing else, this Vermont trip will force us to refine the vice president’s potty procedures.”
Pence is said to have chosen Vermont as a vacation destination after learning about the state’s increasingly overt racism.
“While other states are nominating diverse candidates ahead of the 2018 midterm elections, Green Mountain racism caused Vermont’s sole female lawmaker of color to withdraw from her reelection bid,” said Gaisaway. “Mr. Pence took that as a sign that he would now be welcome in one of the nation’s most self-proclaimed progressive states.”
Clearly, the vice president was mistaken.
The Parmelee Post is an occasional series featuring tough investigative reporting on news that hasn’t happened.
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This article appears in Aug 29 – Sep 4, 2018.
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When is ” it ” leaving Vermont,hopefully very soon ?
I wonder if 7 Days will remove these comments the way the did with the other article about Pence visiting VT. Maybe they caved to some advertisers or local politicos or maybe even the VP himself?
That is so funny. But about the comments on pence visiting Vermont, I emailed 7 days and asked where they disappeared to and why. They are violating our freedom of speech which is totally bullshit!!
This article was so funny. I have emailed 7 days and asked where the other comments about pence disappeared to. We were expressing our freedom of speech and if someone told 7 days to get rid of them that is violating our right to speak our opinion
Hi Gi,
Thanks for your comments. We had to turn off comments on our article from Friday because we were receiving a high volume of traffic and couldn’t adequately monitor the comments that were coming in; we’re going to turn them back on today.
Gee not a single comment from a real American . just a bunch of liberal snowflakes spewing hate. It was great seeing a man who loves his country, who believes in his religion and is Vice President of the United States.
My post was back on the other page about pence gets the finger then it disappeared again. What’s going on??
Anyway he’s as bad as trump!