Dear Reverend,
A good friend of mine frequently refers to people by their sexuality, as in: “That shop is great; it’s run by a couple of gay guys.” I don’t know why he does this, especially since he’s not a bigot, but it really bothers me. How do I bring this up to him in a way that will allow him to reflect on why he identifies people this way and hopefully encourage him to stop doing it?
Donna Wannanoe (woman, 61)
Dear Donna Wannanoe,
In the example you gave of your friend’s behavior, it seems like perhaps he was trying to show support for a gay-owned business, which certainly isn’t a bad thing. However, if your buddy tells you he’s got a heterosexual mail carrier or a pansexual cousin, that may be going a bit too far on the TMI scale.
If that’s the case, I’m not sure why somebody would make sexual orientation such a point of reference for everyone they know. Maybe your friend is just trying to make conversation, or thinks he’s being inclusive, but talking about it to this extent does raise questions about his intentions.
If a friend is doing something that bothers you, the best approach is to be honest and tell them. You just need to find a way to bring it up that isn’t too awkward.
Personally, I don’t feel the need to know what anyone does between the sheets unless I want to get in there with them. Perhaps you could take that tack and broach the subject with a little humor. The next time your friend mentions someone’s sexual orientation, say something like: “I don’t want to bang your plumber, so why are you telling me that they’re bisexual?”
Hopefully, that will spark a conversation in which you can let your pal know that you prefer to mind your own beeswax when it comes to other people’s sexuality. You may never find out why your friend does what he does, but at least you’ll keep your conversations buzzing about other subjects.
Good luck and God bless,
The Reverend
This article appears in The Tech Issue 2025.