I Went From a Poly Lifestyle to a Vanilla Relationship

Dear Reverend,

I recently went from a full-blown polyamorous, kinky and queer lifestyle to a monogamous, vanilla, heteronormative relationship. I love my partner, and I’m mostly happy, but sometimes I miss the adventure and flexibility of my old patterns. I don’t miss the constant anxiety and heartbreak of polyamory, but I feel like some essential spark of life is getting lost now. What do you recommend?

Previously Polly (nonbinary, 37)

Dear Previously Polly,

If you were involved in polyamory for any length of time, you probably developed pretty good communication skills. So put ’em to use! Talk to your partner about things you can do together to add a little spice to life.

Be careful to avoid comparing your current relationship to past poly experiences, because it’s an apples-to-oranges situation. Focus on how the two of you can build a unique and fulfilling relationship, in between the sheets and beyond.

As far as sexy time goes, you don’t have to swing from the ceiling to add some zip. A little role-play can go a long way. Plan to meet up somewhere like a bar or restaurant you’ve never been to and pretend to be different people. (Bonus if you dress in character.) It may sound silly, but it can be really fun. Explore your partner’s fantasies and hidden kinks. Introduce some toys. There are a million ways to have fresh erotic experiences with just one person.

Add some nonsexual adventure by doing activities together that are outside your comfort zone. Sign up for a class. Learn a language. Take a dance lesson, or get involved in some other physical activity to get your adrenaline pumping. Try new recipes in the kitchen. You get the idea. Anything that keeps you from falling into the same old routine can do the trick.

Vanilla gets a bad rap for being boring. While it can be delicious on its own, its superpower is that it’s a solid base for pretty much every other flavor you can imagine. It just takes a bit of effort to add the sauce and sprinkles.

Good luck and God bless,
The Reverend