Dear Reverend,
One of my closest friends is getting married soon. Several weeks ago, she asked me to be in a “coordinator” role during the wedding, to ensure guests are in the right place at the right time. I said yes because of course I would help! I was surprised that I was being asked to play this part and not to be in the wedding party, so I had just assumed she wasn’t having a wedding party altogether. Recently, I learned she does indeed have a wedding party, and I’m not in it. It seems pretty bizarre, and many of our mutual friends agree. I want to bring it up and ask her but am curious about the best approach. Save me from posting catty, condescending things on the internet, Reverend!
Lefty Ooute (nonbinary, 34)
Dear Lefty Ooute,
If you want to remain friends, please don’t post anything snippy about the situation on social media. There’s nothing classy about airing your dirty laundry on the internet. You’ll end up looking like a big jerk.
Whether the wedding party is large or small, I’m sure there’s a simple explanation for why you aren’t in it. People have to make a lot of decisions when they plan a wedding, and none of them is easy. Maybe the bride-to-be had to narrow her party down to only family members or oldest friends.
If you really need the answer, go ahead and ask. Just know that, even though you’re close, it’s bound to be a bit awkward. Be straightforward and honest, but try not to make her feel bad about it.
Although it’s not the role you may have expected, your friend did ask you to play a part in her big day. The duties you describe fall into the category of the very traditional wedding job of usher. That’s nothing to shake a stick at.
I’d suggest you let go of any animosity you’re feeling. Just be glad you don’t have to spend a ton of money on a matchy outfit that you’d probably only wear once!
Good luck and God bless,
The Reverend
This article appears in Jul 26 – Aug 1, 2023.
