Dear Reverend,
My father and I haven’t spoken to each other in many years. I won’t go into the reason, because it’s a long story. He’s getting old, and I know he’s not in the best health. I still don’t want anything to do with him, but I’m feeling guilty about it. How do I deal with this?
Daddy Issues (man, 54)
Dear Daddy Issues,
Unfortunately, the fact that someone is your father doesn’t automatically mean you’re going to be friends. Not knowing the details of your rift makes your question a little difficult to answer, but let’s pretend for a minute that he’s not your dad.
If a person does something to you that you feel is completely unforgivable, it makes sense to cut off contact. Any kind of abuse or behavior that you find morally or ethically unacceptable would fall into that category, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for keeping your distance. But if it was a disagreement or argument that, in the big picture, isn’t all that important, perhaps you’re both just being too stubborn to move past it.
Whatever the issue, consider how you would feel if your father died today. You’re already experiencing guilt, so it’s not a stretch to think that feeling might increase a hundredfold after he passes. Take steps now to make sure you’re at peace when the time comes.
If you can’t bring yourself to speak with him in person or on the phone, write him a letter. Don’t overthink it; just get everything down on paper that you need to say to him. It can be long and messy or short and sweet. Then mail it off. Don’t delay, because it seems like time is of the essence. Getting a reply isn’t the point, but if one comes, you can take it from there.
Having no relationship with a relation can be a heavy load to carry. If the letter turns out to be your last words to your father, hopefully it will have helped remove some of that weight.
Good luck and God bless,
The Reverend
This article appears in Jun 11-17, 2025.