Dear Reverend,
My therapist suggested that my partner and I should not have sex after he called me by his ex’s name and that we should wait until we resolved why he did that. I was traumatized when he called me by her name. It was right after we were discussing wedding plans. Ugh! He said it was a mistake, but I’m having a hard time with it.
Nadya Herr (woman, 63)
Dear Nadya Herr,
I am certainly not a therapist, so I don’t want to contradict what yours has told you. However, you did ask for my advice, so I’ll give you my two cents. Do with it what you will.
While I’m sure that having someone else’s name called out in the heat of passion was quite a shocker, maybe there’s a simple explanation. It’s possible that talking about wedding plans stirred up some old memories for your fiancé. Perhaps he was thinking about how happy he was to be with you instead of her and accidentally blurted out her name. Brains are weird. Sometimes there’s no telling why they do what they do.
It seems that if you love this guy enough to marry him, you should trust him when he says it was a mistake. If this is the only time it’s happened, there’s no reason to believe otherwise, is there?
If you stop being intimate altogether, it may cause a bigger rift. Talking about the situation is absolutely necessary, but stop stewing on it. Actions speak louder than words. I bet he was just as mortified as you were and it will never happen a second time. The best way to move on from this unfortunate incident may be to get back in the saddle and try, try again.
Good luck and God bless,
The Reverend
This article appears in Aug 16-22, 2023.
