Dear Reverend,
I have a friend who always wants to borrow something of mine: clothes, books, tools, games — you name it, he needs it. I am a very generous person and like helping out, but either he never returns my stuff or he returns it in worse condition. It’s really starting to get on my nerves. How do I handle this situation without being a jerk?
Phil N. Thrope (man, 32)
Dear Phil N. Thrope,
You shouldn’t worry about being a jerk, because it’s obviously your friend who’s playing that part. Although he may not be doing it on purpose, he’s taking advantage of your generous nature, and that’s just not cool. Borrowing something and not returning it is basically stealing.
In Hamlet, William Shakespeare wrote: “Neither a borrower nor a lender be.” That’s great advice, but I know it can be hard to heed, especially as a giving person. You really need to set boundaries for your friend and yourself.
The next time your pal wants to borrow something, set a date that you want it back by and let him know that you expect it to be returned in the same condition. Make a note of it in your phone calendar and set a reminder alarm. When the day arrives, if he hasn’t returned your item, ask him for it. If it comes back in bad shape, point it out right away and tell him that you need either a replacement or cash to cover the damage.
If that feels awkward or uncomfortable for you, then you should simply stop loaning him things. You can do that in a roundabout way if you like. Any time he asks to use something, make it unavailable. Better yet, tell him that you’ve decided to stop loaning your stuff to friends because you’ve been burned too many times. Even if he doesn’t realize you’re talking about him, he should get the hint.
Good luck and God bless,
The Reverend
This article appears in May 15-21, 2024.
