Dear Reverend,
One of my friends has been on again, off again with a guy for years. I can’t tell you how many times they’ve broken up and gotten back together. Every time they split, she comes to me for support. Then I won’t hear from her for a while, and I find out they’re together again. I think the guy is a jerk, but I’ve kept that opinion to myself. She’s with him now, and I’m just waiting for the sob-story phone call. How do I tell her that I’m tired of hearing about it?
Third Party (Woman, 39)
Dear Third Party,
Helping a friend through a breakup can be emotionally draining. Doing it over and over with the same relationship can be downright exhausting.
Your pal also sounds like the kind of person who flakes on her friends when she has a romantic partner. If that’s the case, she needs a reminder of some words to live by: “Sisters before misters.”
There are two issues here: First, you need to set some boundaries around how you want to be involved in future conversations about this guy. And second, you need to address her friendship flakiness.
It’s time to be absolutely honest with her. Let her know that you’re there for her when she decides to move on with her life, but if she’s just going to get back with the same person, you’re done hearing about it and the subject is off the table. Period.
While you’re at it, you might as well be honest about your opinion of the guy. I hate to break it to you, but your friend probably already knows you don’t approve of the relationship. Why else would she be avoiding you when they’re together?
Be gentle with your words and don’t be judgy, but get it all out in the open. She must feel like he’s a jerk sometimes, since she keeps breaking up with him. Hearing it from you might be just the thing your friend needs to finally break the cycle.
Good luck and God bless,
The Reverend
This article appears in Apr 30 – May 6, 2025.
