Dear Athena,

My girlfriend and I just moved in together and I have been really happy in this relationship. She is great and I really see a future for us, maybe even marriage. A week ago we were talking about our college days and she told me that while she was in school, she slept with about 40 guys. I was floored. I told her I was very upset and needed space, so she has been staying with a friend. I feel like I’m with someone’s sloppy seconds and I can’t get the thought out of my head. What do I do?

Horrified and Grossed Out

Dear H&GO,

I really hope you didn’t tell her that she was sloppy seconds. What number would have been OK with you? You have to ask yourself what it is about the number “40” that bothers you. Would 30 have been different? 20? 10? How many is too many? You’ve said that you’re happy and see a future together, so what has really changed? Right now you’re judging your girlfriend based on her past actions, which until now have not affected your view of her personality or character.

I’m wondering, would the number have bothered you as much if she were male? Are you holding your woman to an outdated, sexist standard? She seems OK with her past (and trusted you to share the information). Why aren’t you OK?

We should love our partners for who they are, not who we want them to be. While you may not like her previous sexual history, you need to accept it — and let it go — if you really want to share a future with her.

Here’s another way to look at this: Considering her experience, you should be flattered she’s chosen to be with you.

Yours,

Athena

Fill out my online form.

This article appears in Feb 12-18, 2014.

Got something to say?

Send a letter to the editor and we'll publish your feedback in print!

2 replies on “My Girlfriend Has Slept With 40 Guys”

  1. I’m sorry but this guy needs to get his head out of his ass!! Why does it matter? She hasn’t slept with them while she has been with you! This double standard needs to go away. I’m sure your happy with her I. Bed well that comes for her past experiences as well! I never ask a partner about past lovers it serves no purpose! I am proud of my past experiences/mistakes and is part of who I am today! Just as I’m sure this guys girlfriend. honestly if a guy told me after I opened up they needed space that relationship would be over right there and then!

  2. Sex is a very personal thing and knowing that your happy to open your legs or put your thingi in that many people says a lot about your character; you’re easy, risk of cheating and STD is high, you don’t value yourself as a person. And even if you’re in a relationship with this person, they may not value the relationship as much as you. If you break up they will just move on, because it’s easy for them to find another partner.

    I am not saying it is wrong to sleep with that many people and I am sure you will learn a lot along the way. But it saddens the person you end up with and scares them too; reason why so many people back away away.

Comments are closed.