Dear Reverend,
An old friend of mine just passed away. We were best friends as kids and into our twenties, but he moved to a different town, life happened, and we lost touch. I hadn’t seen him in a long time, but he was a big part of my life and I want to go to the funeral. I dated his sister for a while many years ago, and we had a messy breakup. She will obviously be there, and I’m worried that my presence will make it awkward for her. What should I do?
B. Reft (man, 56)
Dear B. Reft,
It’s very kind of you to consider your ex’s feelings, but I think the importance of having her brother’s childhood best friend at his funeral will far outweigh any awkwardness she may feel. As you said, the breakup happened ages ago. It should hopefully be ancient history by now.
It’s absolutely appropriate for you to go to the funeral to pay your respects. However, if you want to be a little less conspicuous, you could sit toward the back at the service. If there is a receiving line with the family, you shouldn’t feel weird going through it to offer your condolences. Just keep it short and sweet with the sister. I’m willing to bet she may be happy to see you, but take care to gauge her reaction so you know how to proceed through the rest of the day.
There will likely be a reception after the service, and you can use your best judgment on whether to attend. I imagine there will be other old friends to mingle with, but if it’s a small group of mostly family, it wouldn’t be rude for you to skip it.
You and the sister shared way more than a messy breakup: You both loved her brother. He deserves to be sent off on his next journey by everyone who cared about him. Don’t miss being a part of that.
Good luck and God bless,
The Reverend
This article appears in The Connections Issue.