Dear Athena,
I know I’m not the only person who feels this way — in fact, some of my close friends do, too. Every holiday, I try desperately not to feel crushingly disappointed when there’s no engagement ring. My boyfriend and I are too poor to get married anytime soon. We have been together for over three years and struggle to get by. I have suggested the idea of us buying a cheap ring together, or not buying a ring at all. He talks about getting married all the time and what he imagines our wedding to be like. And yet, no proposal.
My question is, how do I not feel sad after a holiday? I’m generally not selfish, and I am great at setting low expectations and being thankful for what I do have. It’s hard to see friends getting engaged all around me. I just want to enjoy each holiday without a twinge of sadness that this is another year without a fiancé.
Sincerely,
Waiting
Dear Waiting,
There are plenty of reasons people shouldn’t get married, but being “too poor” shouldn’t be one of them. Maybe you can’t throw a big party at a fancy hotel or get that chocolate fountain or designer dress, but you can celebrate in many other unique and inexpensive ways. I think the question you are posing is really for your partner.
If you think he should be the one to propose, why not ask him why he hasn’t? It’s not selfish to want to make your expectations clear. And it makes perfect sense why you’d be ready and eager to hear — out loud — the words, “Will you marry me?” Tell him that talking about getting married is nice, but you’re ready to plan that special day. If you don’t, the passage of holidays or birthdays won’t be the only times you feel let down. Your brooding disappointment might turn into resentment.
We all experience moments when we think everyone else is getting ahead faster, or is happier or better off. And there are times when it might be true. But each of us is on our own path. It’s possible that things happen at the time that suits us best, even if we wish someone or something would pick up the pace already.
Know this: If you continue to define yourself based on what other people are doing, or not doing, you’ll remain unsatisfied. That kind of disappointment can go on forever if you let it.
Instead, focus on what you do have and what you can control. And if you fervently want something, figure out how you can get it. Talk to your partner. Tell him your heart’s desire. And, heck, why not abandon traditional roles and pop the question yourself?
Yours,
Athena
This article appears in The Wellness Issue 2017.
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This describes my situation nearly to a T, minus the “He talks about getting married all the time…” bits. In my case — speaking as the reluctant boyfriend — it isn’t simply a matter of money precluding nuptials, but some strong, unresolved issues in the underlying relationship that won’t go away simply by one party proposing. Unmet needs and unresolved traumas co-conspiring to prevent either party from experiencing true happiness or fulfillment in each other’s arms.
That, of course, runs up against societal expectations of where one *SHOULD* be at that point in a relationship.
But should one get married simply because social norms dictate that it’s the thing to do? It would seem more prudent to hash things out before the fact than to simply slide into marital malaise and deal with the divorce courts later on down the line.
All of which is to say, it’s not always so simple as just popping *THE* question when it may be one among many in need of an answer.