Ask the Rev: I Was in a Relationship With My Father’s First Cousin

Dear Reverend,

I was in a relationship with my father’s first cousin, who is four years older than me. He broke up with me because he doesn’t want to hurt his family or lie. He has broken up with me many times in the past, but we just get back together eventually because we do love each other. My family is extremely toxic, and he has been there for me, so I am heartbroken and don’t know what’s right.

Clan Destine (woman, 18)

Dear Clan Destine,

Yours is the third question I’ve gotten about being involved with a father’s cousin [“I Dated My Dad’s Cousin,” November 11, 2020; “Is It Wrong to Mess Around With My Father’s Cousin?,” November 27, 2019]. I suppose that’s proof this is a more common situation than I would have imagined.

Long story short, as long as both parties are consenting adults, it’s not illegal in Vermont to date, or even marry, your first cousin once removed, which is what this fella is to you. (I should note that it is prohibited in seven states: Kentucky, Nevada, Ohio, Tennessee, Utah, Washington and Wisconsin.)

What’s concerning to me is that you say he’s broken up with you “many times in the past.” How old were you when this all started? The age of consent in Vermont is 16. If you were 14 and he was 18, and there were sexual relations involved, that would be worrisome. However, since you didn’t reveal that information, I can’t speak to that subject beyond pointing out that it raises a huge red flag you shouldn’t ignore.

Though being romantically involved with even a distant relative may be legal and not the textbook definition of incest, it still hits close to home. Continuing the relationship would likely only add to the toxicity you feel in your family. If this guy has been your only support system, you need to find someone outside the family to take that place. It would be a good idea to go no-contact while you figure that out.

You’re both adults, but you’re still very young. If you truly care about each other, I strongly suggest that you make this breakup permanent. It may be hard for some time, but it would be best to make your relationship strictly platonic and move on with your love lives.

Good luck and God bless,

The Reverend