Dear Reverend,
I have a friend who always flakes out on plans with me. I can count on him for important stuff, but when it’s a casual hangout, he doesn’t show up about half the time. I wouldn’t mind so much if he would let me know he has to cancel, but I usually wind up waiting around and don’t find out until hours later (after I text him) that he forgot or something came up. I value our friendship, but this has been going on for years and I’m getting tired of it. What do I do?
Ghosted Gary (man, 37)
Dear Ghosted Gary,
Any time spent with a friend is important, casual or not. Your buddy’s behavior seems downright rude and selfish, but I’m going to give him a wee benefit of the doubt for a minute.
Is it possible this is a problem of misunderstanding? Perhaps your pal says, “I’ll swing by if I can,” but you hear “I’ll be there at 5.” An easy way to work that out is to reiterate the facts of a plan when you’re making it so that you’re both certain of expectations.
If crossed wires are just wishful thinking on my part, you could take a direct approach and gently share how frustrating his flakiness is for you. If he knew that he was causing you to waste time waiting for him, he might be less loosey-goosey about showing up.
Unfortunately, since this has been happening for so long, I think the leopard has shown his spots. Your friend may be a permanent flake. He’s most likely not disrespecting your time on purpose. It’s probably just part of his DNA.
In that case, what you can do is change your behavior. Don’t make any more casual plans with this guy. And if you do, know that it probably won’t happen, so don’t wait on him — just go about your business. If he does show up, it’ll be serendipitous. If you happen to not be there, he’ll get a taste of his own medicine.
Good luck and God bless,
The Reverend
This article appears in Summer Preview • 2026.
