Should I Tell My Neighbors They’re Too Loud?

Dear Reverend,

I live in an older building with thin walls. Every few months, the neighbors have a fight and shout at each other. This is especially bothersome at night when I am reading or trying to sleep. The last time they started yelling, I turned on loud classical music, which seemed to calm them down. My husband is hard of hearing and slept through it all. When I told him what I did, he got angry and said I shouldn’t say or do anything. He thinks I should just put on my headphones and go to sleep. (Have you ever tried to sleep with headphones over your ears? Not comfortable.) One time, I sent the neighbors a text asking if they were OK, and they quieted right down, but again, my husband thought I shouldn’t get involved. I understand there will be disagreements in relationships, and my husband and I have had some loud discussions, as well. But I would want to know if I were disturbing my neighbors, and I would try to get some help to control the arguing. What is your recommendation?

Sitting Stoically, (woman, 71)

Dear Sitting Stoically,

I rarely use headphones, but I know there are some specifically designed to be comfortable in bed (snoozeband.com). You could try out a pair, but since your husband is a very sound sleeper, it may be wise to have one of you able to hear any bumps in the night.

If the yelling only happens every few months and it doesn’t sound like anybody is getting physically hurt, I don’t think you need to be worried about anyone’s safety. You know the neighbors well enough to pop them a text, but getting involved in their personal problems or suggesting they get counseling to avoid the arguments seems like an overstep.

Should the frequency or intensity of the arguments escalate, you can call the Domestic Violence Hotline (800-228-7395) for advice, or 911 if you believe someone is in immediate danger.

I think the real issue here is your husband. He’s not bothered by the noise, but you are, so he shouldn’t be upset with you for taking action. If you don’t let the neighbors know when they’re disturbing your peace, you’ll never get any. So keep doing what you’re doing, and if your husband gives you any more sass, just tell him to pipe down and go back to sleep.

Good luck and God bless,

The Reverend