Dear Reverend,
I just found out that my wife of 23 years had a lot of undisclosed sexual partners before getting together with me. She claims she only told me about vaginal sex partners but failed to disclose other sexual acts with a number of other people prior to meeting me. Am I wrong to see her in a less favorable light and feel so betrayed?
Mr. Petty (man, 43)
Dear Mr. Petty,
Seriously? You’ve been married to this woman for more than half your life, and some dalliances that happened nearly a quarter of a century ago bother you? Come on now. I don’t know exactly what “sexual acts” you’re referring to, but even if they were full-on freaky-deaky, they’re ancient history. They happened before you were together.
I’m not sure why this topic came up at this point in your relationship, but her “failure to disclose” might not have been intentional. Lord knows I can barely remember what happened last week, let alone two decades ago. Have you told her every little detail about your sexual escapades before you met her? Even if she wanted to keep some things about her past to herself until now, that’s her business.
Clearly this has upset you, but that seems rather unreasonable. You need to figure out why this information has had such an effect on you. Perhaps it has stirred up some unresolved trust issues. Are you worried that there are things that happened during your time together that she hasn’t told you about? If that’s the case, the two of you should work it out.
In the big picture, your wife is exactly the same person she was before you found out about these long-lost partners. If you’ve had a good relationship thus far, it would be a shame to let something like this spoil it. You’re insanely lucky to have had so much time together. Find a way to let this go and move forward in an honest and loving way.
Good luck and God bless,
The Reverend
This article appears in Jun 14-20, 2023.