A Vermont family has grown increasingly concerned about a certain cold-hearted household appliance that appears to have a complete and utter disregard for what state regulators consider to be acceptable noise levels.
The Wilburson family of Deerfield told the Parmelee Post that they are unsure what to do about a household refrigerator that is perpetually louder than the wind turbine sound limits proposed by the Vermont Public Service Board.
“It wasn’t until I borrowed a friend’s decibel meter that I discovered our fridge operates at a steady 45dB,” explained family patriarch and enjoyer of cold beverages Melvin Wilburson. “That’s right, the cocky little prick thinks it can just hum along at 10 decibels louder than the proposed nighttime limit for nearby wind turbines.
“What am I supposed to do — unplug it at night just so I can get some sleep around here?” he demanded to know. “Do you have any idea what that would do to my sandwich game? I’m not going to start eating lukewarm salami just because my fridge suddenly thinks it’s a badass.”
All four members of the family Wilburson claim they’ve had trouble sleeping through the night ever since discovering that their fridge has no intention of respecting what could soon become the strictest wind sound limits in the country.
“I obviously understand that our refrigerator is not a wind turbine and is therefore be exempt from wind development regulations,” said family matriarch Catrize Wilburson. “But if 35db is too loud for a wind turbine 5000 feet away from our house then it’s sure as hell too loud for an appliance that lives only 60 feet from where I sleep!”
Neighboring family and sworn mortal rivals the Chendersons claim the Wilbursons’ fridge is nothing but a climate-controlled nocebo.
“Sometimes the psychological effect of a suggestion is enough to cause illness,” explained Henry Chenderson. “Those damn Wilbursons never complained about that fridge until someone told them that 35dB was loud enough to ruin their quality of life. Our fridge runs at a constant 47dB and the only thing keeping me up at night is the thought of my grandchildren trying to survive on a planet that is 2ºC warmer than it is now.”
Chenderson believes the source of the sound has a greater impact on individuals than the actual decibel level. “Hell, some people are willing to tolerate the sound of 115dB fighter jet engines if you simply suggest that it’s absolutely necessary for their continued sense of freedom,” he added.
Still, the Wilbursons maintain that the fridge is slowly ruining their life.
“It’s not even just the constant noise, but the overall aesthetics as well,” complained Catrize. “It started wearing this leather jacket that is supposed to increase insulation and make it even more efficient, but it clashes with my vision of an ideal pristine kitchen landscape.”
If the new rules do go into effect, the Wilbursons worry they may have to stop using the fridge and wait until engineers develop a quieter more efficient model before purchasing a new one.
“I just hope things don’t get so warm that we risk losing our entire food supply in the meantime!” Melvin said.
The Parmelee Post is a weekly series featuring tough investigative reporting on news that hasn’t happened.
This article appears in Jun 7-13, 2017.
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If I can be forgiven for interjecting a serious note in a humorous piece, (and even if I can’t), let me note that 35 dbA of sound from a source 5,000 feet away will fill the house. A refrigerator’s noise won’t reach much beyond the kitchen.
Also, note that the kitchen is immaculate. I think the refrigerator noise has forced the Wilburson family out of their house, probably north to some place 2C cooler than home.
If a wind turbines sounded like a refrigerator, people could probably live with them. But then most people don’t sleep with refrigerators in their bedrooms. Sorry, once again your mocking of wind turbine noise is not funny. This one that regurgitates the industry’s current efforts to discredit neighbors is insulting. But it is an opportunity to educate.
Wind turbines are being built in some of the quietest places in Vermont (and on earth), with background noise levels at night of 20 dBA. Increase nighttime background noise levels more than 10 dBA and people get annoyed. Even the touted industry-influenced Health Canada study admits that annoyance from wind turbines increases at 35 dBA. Annoyance is a medical term and the health effects from wind turbines at levels well below 45 dBA are very serious.
Wind turbines create a variety of noises across the full spectrum. It is well documented that wind turbine noise is more annoying than other types of noise at lower decibel levels. Some of the noise is more like “chinese water torture” than a refrigerator. A dripping faucet doesn’t have to be 45 dBA to be annoying.
How about if your next column mocks the wind industry instead of wind turbine neighbors? Now that would be unique, and funny.
Im not sure how anyone can think that making fun of people who are suffering is funny. Obviously, this person has never lived in close proximity to an Industrial Wind turbine. My father suffers from seasickness and I dont, but I would never dream of making fun of him because of that.
I once had a refrigerator that was noisy and would keep me awake at night. My husband never heard it, but when it would start making noise, I would wake up and couldnt go back to sleep. Fortunately, there was an easy solution I bought a new refrigerator. Problem solved. Unfortunately, if it was an Industrial Wind project that was keeping me awake, there would be no easy solution.
Hahahaha…..not. Making fun of people suffering from legitimate health problems is in poor taste. Typical of the clueless, the author has mischaracterized the nature of turbine noise. This is not apples to apples; unlike a refrigerator, turbines have an infrasound, vibrational component.
Dont let your dopey Chendersons and Wilbursons be fooled by the spurious argument that industrial wind turbines, with their RECs sold out of state, required fossil fuel backup, transmission issues and destruction of carbon reducing eco-systems contribute one iota of truly clean energy.
Many of Parmelee’s satirical posts are indeed funny. This one is not. It is offensive on many levels, totally dismissing the serious nature of the issue and folks health issues. And then it makes a rude comment about people getting used to 115db level noise of fighter jets, which is absurd. Freedom or not, 115db noise can cause permanent hearing loss, not to mention no one could sleep through it.
Parmelee should take lessons from The Onion on how to do satire properly. This one is not only in poor taste, but it’s just not really funny.