Credit: Marc Nadel

This week, as Vermonters gather with family and friends for Thanksgiving dinner, they’re likely to get some questions about their independent senator who’s running for president. We’ve known and followed Bernie Sanders for years and are familiar with his populist message and irate delivery. But those who are just starting to “feel the Bern” might be outraged, if not terrified, at the idea of electing a self-described democratic socialist.

So Seven Days staffers came up with possible questions you might hear from Bernie skeptics — and how you can answer them. Let us know how your dinnertime talk turns out.

Don’t socialists want to confiscate all of our guns, melt them down and turn them into free electric cars for welfare recipients?

No, only assault weapons will be turned into electric cars — made by unionized workers.

Doesn’t Bernie want to make colleges tuition-free so kids can take classes in collectivized farming?

Yes, provided they’re organic, non-GMO farms that pay a livable wage.

If Bernie turns my post office into a bank, where will I buy stamps and see which radicalized Muslim tops this week’s FBI most-wanted list?

I’m sure Fox News will still keep you frightened. As for buying stamps, Bernie’s post office-banks will be open on Saturdays.

Won’t Bernie’s plan for single-payer health insurance require taxing us all back to the Stone Age?

No, just back to the days of President Dwight Eisenhower, a Republican, when the richest Americans paid a 91 percent tax rate.

If Bernie gets elected, he’ll be 75 when sworn in. Can his ticker weather four years of ISIS and Vladimir Putin?

Of course! He’s been shouting at this decibel for 30 years.

As Bernie is Jewish, would he outlaw saying “Merry Christmas”?

No, but Starbucks may put a hammer and sickle on its red coffee cups.

What’s with Bernie’s wild hair?

If you’d been pulling your hair out about the decline of the middle class for as long as Bernie has, you’d look frazzled, too.

Bernie’s always railing about how the richest one-tenth of 1 percent own more than the bottom 90 percent but pay less than two-fifths of … whatever. Why’s he such an egghead?

It’s called basic math. He learned it at a “socialized” public school.

Bernie says climate change is a bigger national security threat than ISIS. Is he actually a fundamentalist extremist whose sleeper cell has infiltrated the U.S. Senate?

No, you’re confusing him with Ted Cruz.

If a Scandinavian-style democratic socialist took the White House, wouldn’t we lose all daylight in winter?

Yes, and we’d be force-fed pickled herring and a higher quality of life.

If Bernie’s not owned by a super PAC, who’s going to give him his marching orders once he’s elected?

Rachel Maddow.

Ben Carson is a neurosurgeon. Carly Fiorina ran a Fortune 500 company. Donald Trump has made billions of dollars. What qualifies Bernie to lead the free world?

Well, he was a Jewish carpenter.

The original print version of this article was headlined “Talking Turkey About Bernie”

This article appears in Nov 25 – Dec 1, 2015.

Staff Writer Ken Picard is a senior staff writer at Seven Days. A Long Island, N.Y., native who moved to Vermont from Missoula, Mont., he was hired in 2002 as Seven Days’ first staff writer, to help create a news department. Ken has since won numerous regional and national awards for his features, profiles and investigative stories and had his work picked up by international news outlets. He was the first journalist to shine a light on the thousands of undocumented workers in Vermont’s dairy...

Paul Heintz was part of the Seven Days news team from 2012 to 2020. He served as political editor and wrote the "Fair Game" political column before becoming a staff writer.

14 replies on “How to Answer Your Nutty Uncle’s Questions About Bernie Sanders”

  1. @Harry, both balance of trade and the National debt are problems. A balance of trade deficit (which we have – that’s a problem) makes the National debt worse. IMHO, the National Debt is worse simply because it is so severe. I think if more people would try to understand the magnitude of the problem they would demand that politicians do something about it. But right now, they’re not even talking about it, except for campaign lip service.

  2. Look around you.
    We need a political and economic revolution to save our country.
    Bernie enables us to do it peacefully.
    He speaks the truth.
    Save our country’s democratic values and freedoms by taking back our vote from the millionaires and billionaires!

  3. Bernie is a nut job and wouldn’t get elected dog-catcher any place else except for wacky-left VT. He has no chance of getting the Dem nod and only soldiers on because of how loony he is. I’m embarrassed to be a resident of this state when it comes to Bernie and I avoid any discussion of him whenever his name comes up in conversation.

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