“The Man Who Would Be King” Credit: Marc Nadel

To celebrate New Year’s Eve, leading Republican presidential contender Donald Trump dropped a fat orange turd in Vermonters’ punch bowl. Just as the vegan kale dips were emerging from fridges all across the Green Mountain State, the Trump campaign announced its plan to park its bluster-fuck reality show deep in the bleeding heart of Burlington. The event — billed for 7 p.m. Thursday on the Main Stage of the Flynn Center for the Performing Arts — will be held just across the street from Burlington City Hall, a visible flip of the bird away from Sen. Bernie Sanders’ (I-Vt.) old mayor’s office.

Precisely on schedule, Vermont’s liberal social media sites went into warp drive. As their apoplexy subsided, local progressives began brainstorming suitable responses to the billionaire blowhard, including a petition drive calling on the Flynn to cancel the event. Thankfully, the petition was yanked long before its self-evident hypocrisy sparked an embarrassing lawsuit from the American Civil Liberties Union of Vermont.

Since then, other lefty calls to public action have appeared, most of which have sounded about as moving as a laxative ad. To paraphrase a few:

Get a free ticket to the Trump rally, then refuse to show up — gasp! — thereby leaving the theater half empty. Because nothing cows unbridled tyranny like a row of vacant seats and short lines for the toilets.

Alternatively, sit in the audience, then stand up and turn one’s back when Trump takes the stage and begins to speak. “Shirttails tucked or untucked? Discuss. We need consensus, people!”

Shout and chant down Trump’s xenophobic and hate-filled speech. Because he’ll never see that coming.

Didn’t score a golden ticket to Trumpapalooza? No problem. On Tuesday night, the Burlington-based Peace & Justice Center announced a Get Out Trump March. (Catchy title, but shouldn’t there be a comma in there?) The festivities begin at 4:15 p.m. Thursday at the top of Church Street and will involve the inevitable banging of drums and blowing of whistles, many of which were used last week on New Year’s Eve and will be repurposed again next month for Burlington’s Mardi Gras parade. This event promises less drunkenness but more liberal doses of ponytails and white folk with dreadlocks.

The noisemaking is expected to cease at 5 p.m. when a silent candlelight vigil commences at the corner of Main and St. Paul streets. As the organizers’ Facebook page notes, “The opposite of strife is love, the salve for a scream is compassionate silence.” Should make for scintillating media coverage, as nothing kills in broadcast news like dead air.

Groan!

Hey, I totally understand the urge to confront the rise of neofascism in American mainstream politics — and to do so with all the civility and politesse that Vermonters typically bring to town meetings and farmers’ market craft-beer-and-cheese pairings.

But this CANNOT be all the Queen City musters when the grand marshal of the GOP clown parade rolls into town. Someone please tell me the Sisters LeMay are dressing up like Trump and his three wives, because they’re “family-values” gals, too? That we’ll see a Trump Pet Lookalike Contest, with categories for both house pets and livestock? A pin-the-comb-over-on-the-jackass tournament? Anyone? Hello?

Vermonters need to face up to a hard, ugly truth: It’ll make little difference whether we feed or starve this troll. Either way, Trump will get what he paid for: national headlines showing him lifting his hind leg on Bernie’s front stoop. That’s a done deal. And if a few Jägermeister-fueled frat boys overturn a falafel stand or a police cruiser, Trump wins a bonus news cycle of shit-eating smirks and “told-ya-so” chest-pokes aimed at Bernie and his supporters.

Vermont gave the world Bread & Puppet Theater, Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, the snowboard, Phish, Heady Topper, billboard-free highways and Vermont pure maple syrup signs that look like a man in rumpled trousers pissing into a bucket. Surely the Queen City, which hosts the annual Festival of Fools, can serve up a more satirical Trump roast than a meager locavore sampler platter of earnest hashtags, disapproving scowls and recycled MLK quotes.

Trump certainly didn’t invent the three-ring circus and freak show that is 21st Century American politics. He just markets it like a Jersey Shore casino owner. It’s my hope that Vermonters greet his dog-and-pony show with actual dogs and ponies. Think less Peace & Justice Center and more The Onion, less #Black Lives Matter rally than Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert’s 2010 Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear. (Need some clever sign ideas? Click here.)

Thankfully, a few folks are already getting in character. Trumprov, an hour of “off-the-wall, ridiculous, no-holds-barred comedy based on all things Donald,” is scheduled for 8:30 p.m. at the Vermont Comedy Club. It promises to amuse and abuse in high satirical style.

For those more inclined to take to the streets, here are some suggestions for last-minute craft projects, performance art and/or business ventures:

Make Trump-red ball caps that read, “Make America Grate Again,” with big, floppy dildos mounted on top. Instant collectors’ items! Add clown makeup, costumes and oversized shoes. Then on Friday, check national news sites to see which photo editors had the cojones to publish a crowd shot of dickhead clowns.

Create a life-size version of “Trump Cards Against Humanity” to create mix-and-match protest slogans. The intermingling of black-and-white cards will especially irk racial purists everywhere.

Build a larger-than-life paper maché Trump piñata, then invite Vermont’s undocumented dairy workers — most of whom are Mexican nationals who’ll face deportation if he gets elected — to beat it to a pulp. Fill it with one-way bus tickets back to the Mexican border, where they’ll be offered non-union, minimum-wage jobs building Trump’s Great Wall of Mexico and Desert Resort.

Organize a Trump White House Casino in City Hall Park. Sure, everybody loses and goes bankrupt, but all proceeds get donated to local charities that Trump would surely add to the national terrorist watch list, such as the Islamic Center of Vermont and the Association of Africans Living in Vermont.

Finally, download a copy of Marc Nadel’s truly inspired illustration of Trump as Fat Elvis, titled “The Man Who Would Be King.” Add your own Elvis-inspired caption and turn it into a sticker or protest sign. My personal favorite: “Love me legal tender…”

Or, post your own caption below.

Related Stories

Staff Writer Ken Picard is a senior staff writer at Seven Days. A Long Island, N.Y., native who moved to Vermont from Missoula, Mont., he was hired in 2002 as Seven Days’ first staff writer, to help create a news department. Ken has since won numerous regional and national awards for his features, profiles and investigative stories and had his work picked up by international news outlets. He was the first journalist to shine a light on the thousands of undocumented workers in Vermont’s dairy...

20 replies on “Opinion: The Donald Brings a Wild Trumpus to Burlington”

  1. I arrived in Burlington at 5:00 PM sure I had a ticket and wanted in the venue. However, the line was about six people wide and was stretched over 3000 feet and more Trump supporters coming. I walked the line and found the people very friendly with no aggression.
    Sanders supporters carried signs along the line and expressed a very strong vocal opposition to their attendance coupled with either foul language or pro Sanders leaflets. The Trump supporters stood fast and ignored the taunts. I estimate the Trump line to be a conservative number of 5000 supporters by the time the doors to the Flynn Theater were open.

    I stood across from the Flynn Theater in the park with about 600 Sanders supporters and a few Trump people. One Trump supporter carrying a “Make America Great Again” was asked by a Sanders supporter if she felt safe being there. I replied she is very safe and is with me after I held her sign above my head.

    It was obvious the Sanders crowd had no respect for freedom of speech or would allow anyone with a different view to exercise the right to be there and support the opposing candidate. How ironic as Sanders supporters called Trump a bigot, Hitler, a war monger and leave our state, etc… Yet they went out of their way to prevent Trump from speaking by infiltrating the venue with hecklers only to be greeted with cheers by the Sanders crowd after being evicted outside the theater.

    The Sanders supporters displayed intolerance for anyone with an opposing view. Bernie supporters are the hypocrites and the best analogy would be like being in Berlin Germany in the 1930s.

    The media lied

  2. Man, you really got him good. Really tasty red meat for the Burnese crowd. Then I noticed the front page article talking about Trumps ‘Insulting language’. Hmmm, what about the language on 7DaysVT own articles? And the comments patting each other on the back for jabbing The Donald with witty barbs. Maybe I missed it – were there also calls for Trump to be more fair, and even tempered in his language? How about practicing what you preach. (ps: can’t wait till Burnese Salamander to slither into town and see what happens when Conservatives try to pack the crowd. Will the same paint brush be used to paint both pictures?)

  3. My piece doesn’t claim that the Peace & Justice Center endorses or opposes candidates. It says the PJC announced these events, which it did, in a Jan. 5 email newsletter titled “Responding to Donald Trump: Events this Thursday in Burlington!” http://www.pjcvt.org

  4. The PJC does not endorse or oppose candidates. So a little correction is needed, we are not leading any of tonight’s events or efforts. We do support activists engaged in positive change, particularly around promoting anti-oppression work and therefore, we are helping to get the word out about a bunch of independently organized events. We hope that people in downtown Burlington tonight will be safe and thoughtful about the reality of racism and other forms of oppression in this community and country.

  5. I’ve been everywhere in VT. There’s a general cluelessness in most Vermonters. Visitors are shocked to find there are no real intrastate or interstate transit systems and no highways (beyond fragments of 89 and 91). Goods travel at a snail’s pace on one-lane country roads. Regardless of political affiliation, lots of Vermonters like to sermonize about what businesses need, and it’s usually tax cuts. Anyone with an actual understanding of the world knows that tax rates are only part of the puzzle. Modern, successful businesses need talented, well-educated people, good intrastate and interstate transportation systems, and good living standards for talented workers and investors. The fact that Vermonters only ever talk about tax rates is proof that Vemronters know nothing and a sign that things are bleak for the near future.

    Hey, Vermont know-it-alls, why would talented, enlightened people of different backgrounds – who can live anywhere in the world – move to Burlington just to feel trapped, eat bland, homogenous food, hear mediocre garage bands, and be gawked at by ignorant locals? Do you think smart, worldly people really prioritize a point in tax rates over many other lifestyle issues? You don’t “like their kind,” but you want their money and their talent. Unfortunately, “they” can see right through you.

    These silly protest tactics are just a symptom of a much bigger problem. Trump is going to feel at home.

  6. Liberal Vermonters don’t get that Trump welcomes all these stupid stunts and that he has plenty of supporters in VT. It’s because Vermont is full of dummies across the political spectrum.

    Burlintgon is the most liberal town/city in Vermont, but not by much. Vermont is full of racist, xenophobic, resentful white supremacists who just don’t get this “diversity nonsense.” They don’t wear hoods, but they have a patronizing view of non-whites. They make fun of minorities, then wonder why talented non-whites don’t want to live in VT or to invest in it. They have no undertsanding or interest in the world beyond VT. They like to blame “foreigners” for “stealing” non-existent jobs and “flatlanders” for drugs. Of course, they think they’re liberal because they support gay marriage and legalizing pot.

    This describes most of the Democrats I’ve met in my 18 years in Vermont, and the Republicans are worse. Sloppy, shallow thinking is the VT norm.

  8. This gay Independent man will be voting Republican no matter who gets the nomination! I would never vote for Mrs. Clinton—a liar, bully, and no fan of women—when she would destroy the lives of women–that her husband had sex with! A person that lies to the American people about the bad choices she made while she was our U.S. Secretary of State! NO thank you, Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton! Good-bye & Good Riddance—to all of the Clintons and Bushes! THe USA has had ENOUGH—PERIOD!

  10. How I wish this came out 12/31 and we really did these terrific ideas instead of “its so 50’s” protests.

Comments are closed.